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LostRed
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A turn for the worse
   Mon Apr 30, 2012 12:44 am

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A turn for the worse

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Mon Apr 30, 2012 12:44 am

I thought I'd healed. I thought I'd never need to come back, as I wasn't good at helping and I wasn't troubled.

Turns out I got depressed and came back. A friend was quick to help me out, and I got back to normal. Then, I felt euphoria for no reason one night, and couldn't sleep. Then, I fell back down into depression, and now I'm anxious as all hell.

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Belong

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Tue Dec 06, 2011 2:08 am

Now, it seems, I've found a place where I can really belong. Meds are sorted out, apart from the occasional shakes, and I've found a fried who actually seems to understand me and who understands my disorder. She's had family members and friends with various mental disorders and in fact had a depressive one herself. She's happy now, though, and taught me how to crunch leaves under my feet and how to whisper into corners. :) I've found a person whoI can actually call a true friend.

My grades are crappy, though, but that's what you get with all Honors classes. Finals coming up. Tons of stress, but at least now I have someone who I can talk to that's not over the Internet.

So, I just want to say thanks. Thanks to all the people on this forum who've helped me out and given me guidance when I was lost. I haven't found my way yet, but I'm getting there, and I'm not as unstable as I used to be.

Now I need to help more people. Now I need to pass the gift on.

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Rambling and Ranting

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:55 am

I figure here is probably the best place to put these current ramblings other than Youtube, but then again YouTube would probably show that I don't have my $#%^ together and that I don't know what the ###$ I'm doing with my life, and that I actually care about this rather than not giving a $#%^ and living life.

I know I want to be somebody and that I want to do things and that I want to break free of my diagnosis and from medication and from the voices, government agencies, and flying people my mind created for reasons unknown to me but probably just to ###$ with me. I want to be free, I want to do things, I want to be somebody. I want to be somebody who does things, but I don't want to be doing the things I'm doing now. It's at this point that I realize that I don't know what to do with my life and I'm not sure where to turn.

Everyone else around me is either a really successful overachiever or they've got themselves off doing whatever and they don't give a damn. I don't want to be the overachiever because that would be too stressful and I suck ass at sports and don't really give a $#%^ about them anyways. That leaves the options of either succeeding majorly in school like the overachievers and the few nerdy people, or not giving a $#%^ about it like the jocks who aren't overachiever and the rare stoner or two who just want to get high. I don't seem to fit into any mold or social group except the ragtag group of misfits, most of whom have other subcultures they can relate to and feel welcome in. I have none of this.

I might have ADD, but my parents won't get me tested for it and now it all seems to be connected to my psychosis according to everyone who talks to me on the matter, even though I've been like someone with ADD or ADHD for all my life, even before psychosis.

I don't understand people either, which makes someone on TV or in the movies a stone cold badass or the genius who is only quirky in the good ways and who ends up being someone that everyone likes, but no one onscreen is willing to admit to. In real life, however, it just leads to me being awkward and misunderstood, and being a misunderstood person who's usually alone isn't as fun as it seems to most people who watch TV and movies.

Instead of being seen as the cool lone rebel or like someone from a Clint Eastwood movie, I'm seen as the weird kid who's into politics and is quiet all the time who's awkward and nerdy. I don't even fit in with the nerds because I have no knowledge of computer programming.

I am good at photo editing and fiction writing, and that's about it. I used to be good at math, but for some reason I suck at math class now, although it could be the teacher, but it's probably my meds ######6 with me.

Someone told me right now is the best time of my life and that I should enjoy it. If that's the case, then life sucks more than I thought it did previously. I've accomplished little. I'm not good at sports and I don't like academics or sports. I'm at the point where my low level of success might make it so I can't get a college scholarship, thus making my private schooling null and void and leaving me with no college fund, since my whole college fund is being spent on my high school and I don't seem to be doing very well.

I'm worried about college, I'm worried about the state of the world, I'm worried about fitting in. I have some friends, but they don't seem to understand me and I don't feel happy with life despite some of them trying hard to make me happy. Because of their efforts, I act happy and try to make them happy. I don't want to make them feel bad.

Life is confusing and hard and I wish I could just be happy, so I do little things to make me happy but soon it uses up my time and I realize I've procrastinated, and then my life is #######5 as I try and finish assignments on time and I look like a failure.

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Disappear

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Fri Sep 16, 2011 1:33 am

I hate tests. I hate studying. Studying is hell. I have the attention span of a goldfish. Can't focus on anything boring for more than 15 seconds. Parents won't test me for ADD because I was tested for it as a kid and came back negative for it, so apparently that means there's no possible way I can have it. Psychosis is enough for them to worry about and meds already suck. Why get medicated for ADD?

feel like escaping the world. That's all I want to do. I just want to fly off far away, don't want to deal with tests or getting scowls from my math teacher because I don't know the math definitions or stress because I didn't study hard enough. I want out. All Honors classes is hard, but not being in Honors would give me no excuse not to do extracurriculars (I don't have much of an excuse either way). Why not go out for track? Not fit enough, meds might be making me sick. Weights next semester, too. I'm too scrawny. I'll probably end up hurting myself on the first day.

I just want to disappear. I just want to leave here. Too much stress here, too much dullness and too little happiness. I just want to fly away.

If I just disappeared off the face of the Earth, who would miss me? Who would remember me? Who would even notice I'm gone? Who would show up at my funeral? What would they say? Would they say anything? Would they have actually known what I'm like? Would my psychosis be revealed, or would it be kept secret, a shame to never be known by those who never knew before?

Am I needed at all? Would life go on relatively the same without me? Would anyone care at all? Who? How much would they care? How long would it take before they forgot me completely?

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World of Masks (I can try)

Permanent Linkby LostRed on Wed Aug 31, 2011 1:04 am

I'm lost. Lost in a world where I don't know what is real. A world where people no longer say what they mean or let you know how they feel. Everyone seems to wear a mask nowadays, and I now realize that it's always been that way. Only time you could guess what someone's thinking is when they're a kid.

I live in a world of masks, of lies, of confusing shades of meaning and being absolutely terrified of telling a girl I like her (but she then finds out before I tell her) or not being able to say what's really on my mind lest people think I have a major problem and send me off to an institution. Why are there so many terrifying things in the world? Why is it nervewracking to be near a girl I like when it should be good? Why is it so hard to talk to people? Why am I psychotic? Why is it me in the center of government conspiracies with flying people and agents and everything that'll sound ridiculous to anyone I talk to about it? Why is it, in a country full of democracy and free speech, that I can't say I'm a socialist or be myself without being shunned, let alone let on what's really on my mind?

I live in a world I don't understand, a world I'm afraid of. But, either way, the only thing I can do is try. Not trying will put me in a worse spot sometimes. I need to man up, hide my fear or nervousness or whatever, and face the world. Maybe, just maybe, somewhere out there is someone who won't be mean, or who won't judge me, or who'll at least be able to see me for who I really am, so neither of us will have to wear a mask.

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