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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Longtimecoming/found._my_enabling_fathers_thoughts_on_a_forum._b-3759.html |
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| Author: | Longtimecoming [ Thu Dec 06, 2012 10:19 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Found. My enabling fathers thoughts on a forum. |
I am feeling raw today after writing on my father's internet group for parents of estranged children. I was/am very angry with what I read there and the total lack of understanding. He talks a lot about getting me to understand his pain, but aside from vague "sorry you feel that ways" he can not grasp how loosing my family over my mother's misguided intentions on making me her business would make me feel less regarded than a piece of poo they scraped off of their shoe. My mother wrote me this letter today, likely after hearing that I made my presence known there. "I’ve made a few allegations. I allege that you are a “drug addicted” Narcissist who doesn’t give a $#%^ about anyone but you, and your drug: attention, adulation and praise. I allege that you’re a cold blooded predator. Go ahead, prove me wrong. Show me you have a heart, show me that you give a $#%^. You’ve had since 1998 to approach me with humble apology for having harmed me. You’ve had since 1998 to feel bad and recant all the horrible things that you said to me. You’ve had since 1998 to offer restitution: repayment of the business loan you stuck us with when you took off with all the assets. You’ve had since 1998 to make an effort to communicate with me, face to face, heart to heart. You’ve had since 1998 to offer to pay for counselling and invite me to partake. Since 1998, you’ve done nothing but criticize me and make every attempt to silence me. You chase me and make the effort to make good your apology. You chase me in making attempts to communicate. You chase me with your offer. I’m waiting. I’m here. Go!!! There’s only one thing that will cause me to risk a relationship with you and that’s YOU telling me, “Mama, I’m sick of this, I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get back to being that loving, caring and connected human being I used to be”. I’m sorry for everything I put you through. I’m willing to work with you toward healing." This "loan" that she speaks of was never discussed with me when I was a child attending voice lessons, nor was it discussed when I was older that I would have to refund these so called "gifts" in the future. The ONLY discussion we had of any nature was with a lawyer present (which can be verified by a 3rd party) that IF I was to make a career out of music, ONLY when I made money from this would I be responsible to pay her a percentage. To clarify, I did not make any money and only did it for the enjoyment of music it self. At the time, I was 18 and the lawyer (a family friend) advised me strongly (in privacy) not to sign the agreement my mother had written up because I didn't know what I was getting myself in to and he didn't trust my mothers intentions. With all of this, how is it still so hard for my father to understand that supporting my mother in reminding me of this injustice would not be most mindbending-ly unhealthy thing for a child to hear AT ANY AGE, let alone when I was a bratty 18 yr old trying to find my way in the world. Honestly, the hardest thing for me to read on that entire forum of my fathers, was my his story about how he noticed the most spectacular mushrooms growing in the BC forrest and went on to describe them. Just last week, I posted a photo on my FB account of the most beautiful mushroom I found and spent the evening enjoying looking for it's scientific name on the internet. I wished I could be there, sharing the many things we have in common, but instead I am reminded countlessly about how much my career choices have ruined my mothers hopes for being a songwriter. I know that the mushroom picking with my father will never happen, and how sick is it that this is all I want from a parent when my mother does is sits and stews about imaginary money I soposedly owe her? I know as solidly as granite that I will never go mushroom picking with my dad, because as long as they are rubbing my nose in those perceived wrong doings, I will not be participating in ANY contact, so long that I shall live. It's too unhealthy to to be around them, and I simply will not do what she asks because she is wrong to ask it. I hope to god there are people on that board who are able to see through that. Not because I need allies, but because I can't stand to see him so brainwashed and alone and I miss him. He does this to himself by supporting her. My mother's intensions are so cruel, I have no love left for her at all now. I don't love the person she is, or what she stands for. She is the furthest thing from any kind of loving being that I have ever known. It hurts me to even say it but it's true. There is nothing left. I'm sorry about ambushing that site with my posts. My dad needs friends and I'm happy that he is somehow allowed to have some now.. When we were growing up, my mother even put a stop to his bridge club and accused him of being a newspaper addict so he had to hide reading the daily paper. The noose was tight. I'm sure the people on that forum think I'm some vindictive tyrant, but I'm honestly I'm just so devastated and tired of hearing this. There is absolutely no chance of any reconciliation with my mother, and I have to accept that for my father too as of this past year. After he went along with ambushing my mother and father in law I can't forgive him because he is not even sorry for it. I read his justifications for going there in his own words.. He was convinced that I had bad mouthed them to my new family but the truth is that the only thing I had mentioned to them was that we had a strained relationship. I didn't say why, and they didn't ask out of respect for my privacy. I wanted them to meet, and not have a tainted view. He couldn't be more wrong and my MandF in law would even attest to that. They had absolutely no idea who my parents were, but oh boy, do they now after telling them to have my fiancé run for the hills. My mother and father freaked them out so badly that they themselves were relieved to hear that they would not have to see them again and let us know how distasteful it was of them to show up unannounced with the sour intentions they had. Talk about tacky. Just a little tidbit. When we were growing up, my mother found out that Andrij was attending a real life support group for abused husbands.. he turns around now and tells me that I imagined any type of abuse from my mother. It's simply not true. My mother was an manipulative emotional basket case and being in her presence was abuse enough let alone by her displaying her insanity for the past 14 years. |
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| Author: | reason [ Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:06 am ] |
longtimecoming - I see they finally approved this entry on your blog here. HUGS to you FWIW to anyone reading this - I was a witness and participant on the forum LTC is referring to and can attest to her interpretation of what has taken place there, not just recently but in the past year. It is obvious that you want to hang on to at least one parent, unfortunately both appear lost to you. Your mother who appears and acts very ill and your father who not only enables and participates with her but dismisses and justifies both their actions today. If they can't see how their behaviour today is dysfunctional, unhealthy and downright toxic there is little chance they will ever be prepared to accept any responsibility for anything that happened in your childhood. If their actions today are any indication of what you endured in your formative years - you should be very proud of yourself for whatever you have done to get to the point you are today. IMO you articulated yourself very well and was very respectful on the forum your father is on. It is unfortunate that those types of forums do not welcome nor encourage any interaction between parents and their offspring or anyone else who challenges their "version" of their story. IMO no one can possibly move forward, grow and heal if they won't acknowledge their role - the good, bad and ugly. They would gain so much credibility by just owning their stuff rather than trying to deflect and project it or out and out deny. HUGS Truth |
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