Psychology and Mental Health Forum


https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Lilac Rutabaga/index_sid-9a9f7fddd2bc69d664a893221c7bd795.html
Author:  Lilac Rutabaga [ Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:59 pm ]
Blog Subject:  "and I don't have to watch my hands again"
Well, yes, of course I have to WATCH them again! Otherwise they might run away.

What I meant to say but cannot now eDiT, is "and I don't have to WASH my hands again."
Not immediately.
Later.
Author:  Lilac Rutabaga [ Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:41 am ]
Blog Subject:  a little more than I thought
Well, so, I've been paying a little more attention. When I shake hands with someone, I am a little anxious until they leave and I can go wash my hands. If I touch someone's clothing or dishes or hair or hand, I need to wash my hands. My own family's clothes or dishes and hair and hands. If I touch "fixtures" - faucets, handles, doorknobs, I need to wash my hands. What I try to do is wash my hands, then use a paper towel or something to put between my fingers and hand and the thing I need to work - toilet handle, faucet handle, doorknob, and then throw that away and I don't have to watch my hands again. Unless I accidentally touch it. I was surprised, being more aware now that I am thinking about this 4M, to see my feelings about shaking hands. That was a little stronger feeling than I had thought I had. Hugging people can be disturbing. This is a little extremer than I thought was the case. I still don't think it messes me up, except it takes a little time to take care of it; and there's the anxiety until I can wash. But mostly it's okay. It's "just the way I am."
Author:  Lilac Rutabaga [ Sat Apr 06, 2013 4:52 am ]
Blog Subject:  OCPD
I just took the Cammer's Test for OCPD in the OCPD forum.
My score was 83. That's the "danger zone."
I am schizotypal skitsotippal skizuhtippal which is the main thing I've been aware of.
I've known I'm a little "obsessive compulsive," too.
But that's not to the point of interference or disfunction.
Yes, I've got an "Avoidant" personality, too. A little paranoid and an incredible fear of heights as far back as I can remember, and that's before elementary school, but no external cause I can think of for that fear. The rest of the fears are "worries" about what might happen to others, rarely about myself. I think this might be a clue to "dependence" which is also a trait that often accompanies OCPD.

But, see, that's the point. I am -not- OCPD. I am just OCD. Cammer's test results make me look pretty far into OCPDity. My Os are not too bad.Clicking my finger against flat hard surfaces, shaking my hands a lot when I'm walking but not in public. Those are the kind of weird ones. Then the regular ones - routines, clean and tidy, precise steps in getting things done, do things the same way each time, put things back in the same place, facing the same way, things like that. But I am not dysfunctional exactly. The OC doesn't interfere with my "work-a-day" world, so it should just be OCD not OCPD. I'll have to study it out a bit more.

None of this is "bad." I'm not uncomfortable with any of it, not even the finger clicking against surfaces. It's just, what they call "eccentric" things, not harmful, not uncontrolled, not dangerous. Just a little spice to "normalcy". :)

I've been told about my OC for a while. I kept kind of pretending the person saying something was just being silly, but I've known there are several things I do that are definitely OC, and not from any other reason. I have to hide some of the things, but have been caught a couple of times and have to try to excuse my way out of it.

I'm avoidant and slightly anti-social. So even though I want friends, I kind of push them away. Darn it.
Author:  Lilac Rutabaga [ Mon Apr 01, 2013 10:00 pm ]
Blog Subject:  Deletia
I post, and then wonder, should I have said that?

And then I wonder, when I leave - can I leave, will I leave - (I always do) - can I delete absolutely everything about me?

No can do. Words are eternal. But if you can write them down without connecting them to your real self, then maybe they won't do as much damage, or the damage will be stalled long enough, that it will be less damaging, more forgiving, more accepted-as-understandable.
Author:  Lilac Rutabaga [ Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:56 pm ]
Blog Subject:  The "by" that connects the Two
A Blog
by
A Lilac Rutabaga

"No close friends" 5.5 out of 9 Unsure 0

My “No close friends” score is DE-flated due to my having trained myself to handle conversations fairly well, and to look people in the eye when we are speaking. When I learned that “black” Americans tend to look at a person when speaking, and not look directly in their eyes when listening, and “white” Americans tend to look at a person when listening, and not look directly in their eyes when speaking, I trained myself to look a person in the eyes whether speaking or listening. That’s a learned social skill, not a manifestation per se of a personality type. I really should be a 9 out of 9 for that, really. “No close friends,” and no close relatives either, and no good (unwilling?) at making friends or keeping them. Seven definitely, eight indefinitely, nine possible but unlikely. Suspicion at 7.5, sounds about right. Social anxiety, you bet. Odd speech, seeing is believing. Eccentric behavior, I work hard to hide it but they still see it; it can be embarrassing, but I’ve gotten good at ignoring being noticed.

I also seem to have a little prosopagnosia (how wonderful) and face-confusion (an excuse to stay home). I took a class in college, and got to know the professor and the professor's assistant very well. The next year, I had another class with the same professor. Except the professor never came to class! It was always the student assistant. I couldn't figure out why. Then one day, I happened to go to the Professor's office. The assistant was there. I had spoken with her before, but this time it was in the professor's office. I thought either she is very bold to sit in the professor's chair at the professor's desk, or the professor is way more lenient than I had imagined. And as we talked, it became clear that the assistant that was here last year, was not here this year, not on campus at all, she had returned to her native country; and that the person I was speaking with was the actual professor herself! That was such an eerie feeling!

Other times, I am a little sc- no, just anxious - about seeing someone on campus that I've had a class with. Because most of the time I don't recognize them. Sometimes I see a familiar face, but have no idea where I know the person from or even if I know the person. I feel kind of stupid some times. Someone will talk to me about a class, and I'll say, Oh, yes, that was good or hard or whatever, and I have no idea what class they are talking about, or if I even had them in a class; maybe they are confusing me with someone; I don't know. And then I haven't paid them enough "social attention", I haven't given them their due, I haven't been polite, so they are walking off, and I'm thinking I must have made them feel bad because I didn't say the right things to them.

If the face has strong features, it's much easier to re-identify. But most faces are kind of similar.
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