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Koshka69
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- September 2011
Sleep and Perspective
   Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:41 pm
Overwhelmed
   Tue Sep 20, 2011 7:50 pm

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Sleep and Perspective

Permanent Linkby Koshka69 on Thu Sep 22, 2011 3:41 pm

Hola all!
Well, today seems calmer. Got quite a bit of schoolwork done yesterday, vented to a couple of people, then decided that I needed to go ahead and take the Seroquel and turn the brain off for some much needed sleep. Woke today at 11am (MUCH later than my usual 5am) but needed the chemical knock out to pull the plug on the brain.

So, while the same mountain of "to do" items are in front of me, today's perspective is more balanced. Don't know why I go through the same drill every month with the ol' hormones, but I do. Get into hormone-induced crankiness, then after about 24 hours of it, I realize it's the hormones again, so I say "oh, ok" and move on. Lots of progress, as I now am able to recognize that this happens as opposed to riding the rollercoaster, yelling my head off till the ride stops. Just wish that I'd recognize that I've sat down in the seat of the ride when the safety bar gets pulled down instead of after the first hill. Ah, well, baby steps :?

Today I think I'll take a little slow... just get up and moving (right now is my usual morning java and internet perusal) and hit the books. This isn't the week for making any of the life decisions I'm pondering; not the week for looking at the calendar at all the "must do" items. I think today is just about focusing on today and what I can do right this very second. Sometimes I wonder if I don't make life more complicated than it really needs to be. Foresight is great, but I have to remember to not dwell on the future and tell myself "Koshka, you can only control what you do right now, and spazzing about later is not helping you right now."

Here and now.

I must remember that...

Action occurs in the present tense; the past is unchangeable and the future is not yet touchable; I can "do" in the here and now.

So off to "do" I go!

Have a great day, all :D

-K

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Overwhelmed

Permanent Linkby Koshka69 on Tue Sep 20, 2011 7:50 pm

Hola all.
I have, yet again, been off the site for almost a month now. Real life has spun in about 10 directions; some good, others not. Right now I am just feeling overwhelmed.

What the hell have I been up to in this last month?

Well, went up to my brother's for a couple of weeks. Totally devoid of internet access... I had major withdrawals and doing classwork was extremely complicated. Survived though. Great visit with my brother. He's in the middle of a complicated separation (married 17 years) and it's likely headed for divorce. He and I have been each other's voice of sanity. He got me though my June of hell (diagnosis and being dumped by the beau with PTSD) and I help him with dealing with his situation. Funny thing, I am the one studying psychology... and HE is the one with all the common sense advice for me when I start to let my mind spiral. I think when I get my degree, I'll cross out my name and give it to him...lol.

Soon as I got back from that trip, dad's health took a dangerous turn. He's had cardiac probs for years (one angioplasty; one triple bypass in the last 15 years). He was getting massive headaches and went to his GP who ran tests and found a 70% blockage in his carotid artery and also noticed he had an enlarged thyroid. Apparently the blockage was not of "emergency" status, so he's going to a vascular specialist to have that further investigated. He went the other day to have the thyroid looked at and they found two cysts. More tests to come, then either removal or biopsy... we don't know which. Mom is completely falling apart. She's trying to be strong for dad, so she doesn't show him how spazzed out she is... she calls me and falls apart when he's not at home. So I try to calm her and get her to not think in terms of "what if" but that's hard for her, I know.

School is, well.... ugh... school. I am beyond buried.

So, needless to say, I feel like I have a mountain on my shoulders. I am the "voice of calm" to about 3 people right now and while I would do nothing but, I am drained. Yesterday there were some complications with things at school (computer dork ups at the school that messed a lot up) and I just sat down and cried. I'm having to be strong for people, do well in school, try to figure out my future with all the details of grad school I'm trying to sort out. Then I sit there and think "geezuz, I don't hafta work... am I so pathetic that I can't handle what other people handle AND deal with work???" Felt a little inadequate. Had quite the pity party.

Today's a little better. Trying to shove the emotions aside and just focus on tasks. Trying to quit looking at the forest and take one tree at a time.

On a good note, things are going extremely well with the paramour in Florida. His divorce is mucky, but somehow we manage to actually discuss a lot of things other than that miserable situation. We talk almost everyday. I sooooo enjoy our talks. We can talk for hours and hours and never be at a loss for topics. The relationship with him is soooooo much more calm and stable than with the ex beau. This relationship couldn't be further from that emotional frenzy if I tried. He's going to be up here on business next week, so we actually will get to spend an overnight here together before he has to return back home. Very excited about that.

Anyhoo, that's what the heck's been going on with me. Nothing, yet a lot at the same time. I DEFINITELY miss talking to some of my convo buddies on here. Can't wait till things calm down and I can get back on here more regularly... it's therapeutic.

Hope you all are doing well :D

Hugs,
K

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Be careful what you ask for

Permanent Linkby Koshka69 on Mon Aug 15, 2011 11:01 pm

Hola, all.
Been off the forum for a while... classes and life are getting away from me lately, so I'm in a mad storm of academics and paperwork.

So I was at the pool over the weekend. Laid there with my eyes closed and got totally triggered over a man and his son playing in the pool. Back came the flood of my love disappearing into his PTSD. As I laid there and thought of him I got really frustrated. Mad almost. I asked god why, even though I am doing so well, I have to think of my ex beau CONSTANTLY. I've dealt with all the feelings, processed them all, moved on... yet still think of him. It drives me INSANE. So I asked god to please give me something... anything... to think of because I'm SICK TO DEATH of thinking of the ex.

Long about 2 days ago, the prayer got answered.

My life, I swear, is god's comic strip... when he gets bored he runs a plot twist to amuse himself.

I was on the phone with a dear guy friend of mine (the one I mentioned earlier... he lives in Florida and we've been friends for about 20 years). So we were discussing the logistics and other things about my move to Florida. Then he flattened me with something I NEVER saw coming. He said that if he could go back in time and have us be together, he would. He said that when he thinks about me coming to Florida, he thinks of the possibilities. WHAAAAAAA? A little background on him.... 20 years ago we were stationed in England together and were best of friends. One of the very very few true intellectual equals (that's not me being snobby... it's me describing that we match incredibly on an intellectual level). We were off and on attracted to each other, but wires were always crossed... either he liked me when I was dating someone or I liked him when he was dating someone. Never panned out. I ended up getting married while in England, and he ended up standing in for my father and walking me down the aisle and "giving me away" at my wedding. We've kept in touch off and on over the last 20 years... friendship always strong. In 2003 he married and started divorce proceedings last Mar (his wife left him). Now, don't think he's the kind of guy for rebounds... actually he is the only human I know who seems capable of NOT dating on the rebound. He just has very deep friendships... and I happen to be one of them. So his revelation about knocked me on my ass. I told him that I was NOT running to Florida to date him or have him as my primary reason for moving... it's absolutely about me moving closer to friends and finishing my education. He understands that. But still, I'm totally floored that he still holds feelings for me after all these years. I swear, he and I could have hours and hours of fun with a paper bag... that's seriously just us. Never lacking for conversation, good times, enjoying each others company and so on. I'm THRILLED at the prospect of us hanging out a lot... and he is too (even though he lives 8 hours from where I am moving to).

Don't know what the point of this story is. Guess I'm still shell shocked from it all. I go through this big tornado of poo with my ex beau and his ptsd... and then this friend way-lays me with feelings. And irony.... we're (me, the ex beau, the friend, and both their ex/soon to be ex) all in the same circles... all of us know each other from the military. Gawwwwwd. The ex beau would flip a wig if he heard this latest news... he'd run to my door with roses and a ring trying to win me back (I know him too well... he thrives on adrenaline and chases). So I'm keeping it a secret because if he did that, I'd really want to just slap the sh*& out of him.

How is it that I can try like hell to keep my life drama free and my life still plays out like a sitcom?

Ah, at least my life's not boring, I suppose :shock:

-Koshka

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If you want change, become the change

Permanent Linkby Koshka69 on Tue Aug 09, 2011 6:58 pm

Happy Tuesday, all.

Well, the last 24 hours have been pretty momentous. Was speaking with a friend who lives in Florida last night and the topic of me needing to get out of this area came up again. We had a long discussion about how much cheaper the cost of living is for military retirees in FL. Then I was speaking with my dear female friend who lives down there too, and the subject came up yet again. After some thinking, I've made my decision. Next August I am moving to Florida. That is where I will start my master's program and begin blazing my new trail.

I'm just not happy where I'm at. Have not been happy here for a while now. It was a good stepping stone, getting me out of my parents' house and out of that toxic environment, but I think it's time to move on. I'm a firm believer in the mantra "everything happens for a reason." I think that this move has been a long time brewing in my mind... since this winter actually. Before the ex BF and imploded plans of moving in with him... the planets were aligning for me to let the idea of me leaving here marinate in my mind. So I'm ready. I'm making the plans.

Spent all morning on the phone with my current school straightening out the last few classes for my undergrad degree; researched schools in Florida and started contacting them to get the admissions requirements sorted out so I can finalize the academics over the next year and get into a grad program this winter and make the move next summer right before the classes would begin.

I feel like a weight has finally been lifted from my shoulders. I had my second major mental crash two months ago and came out of it like a new, improved person. My meds are right, so my brain's not all effed up and the good ol' neurons are correctly firing. And I've just made up a plan of action and am setting about getting all the logistics sorted.

I once read a quote, which I cannot remember who it's attributed to, but the quote is "If you want to see change, you must become the change." This is my inspiration. I'm not quite "whole" in my current location, so it's time to get off my butt and kick the plan into action..... become the change.

Florida will be good for me in SO many ways... I have two very dear and long-time friends there; the weather is sunny 80% of the year and outdoor activity is possible year round; the location I'm moving to is on the water and I'll get to watch beautiful sunsets every night; it's TONS cheaper to live there; this place will be MY OWN. Every corner I turn, I will not see government buildings that remind me of the career I no longer have and the people I no longer associate with; I can take walks there and not have to carry mace to ward off rapists; I won't have to lock my doors just to take my dogs outside; I will not have to fight mad traffic just to go to the store; I will not have to put up with the negative and neurotic rat-racy people that are here in the nation's capital. It will be MINE... peaceful, better, wonderful, new, exciting and .....MINE.

I'm totally jazzed.

Only one more snow-filled winter here in the north!!!!!! 12 more months and I can throw out my winter coats and snow shovel!

Today a smile is on my face... and I'm really happy... really really happy.

8) Koshka

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What should I be when I grow up?

Permanent Linkby Koshka69 on Fri Aug 05, 2011 2:49 pm

Hola everyone!
So this week has been a busy academic one for me. The course material is interesting, but it's been a lot of work. One of my teachers is very interactive with us students and I LOVE that class... it is really fun and I get to do some analysis and critical thinking on sociological topics. The other one is straight-up pissing me off b/c the teacher is virtually a non-player. There's 13 of us in the class and only 3 of us seem to be completing discussion postings and turning our stuff in on time. It's a lot of neurology and I suck at science, so it's a HUGE amount of work to get the concepts into my brain...grrr.

So this got me thinking.

I decided to ask you guys who read my postings in the forums or on here to chime in with some feedback if you feel inclined to do so. I've been ping-ponging around about what facet of psychology I should move onto for graduate studies. Just a little background if you aren't familiar with my journey.... was in the military for 22 years and retired in 2009. Now I am back in school finishing up a BS in Liberal Arts (quickest degree to finish due to my military credits) and this fall and winter finishing up a few more classes for a second Bachelors in Psychology so I can go into a Master's program next fall in Psychology (or at least that's my intent). Now, my original plan was to finish the first Bachelors and go into a Social Work program but found that the schools are a bit harder to find (I want to keep options open so that I'm not locked into staying in my current location until I finish my Masters... wanna be able to move around if I need to and transfer credits). Only reason I'm doing the second Bachelors is that Psychology graduate programs are EVERYWHERE, so transfering wouldn't be a problem if I moved.

So here's where I'm asking for your input..... for those of you that have read my postings and have a feel for "me," if you will. What aspect of Psychology do you think would maybe be a good fit for me? Now, I'm not asking for feel-good postings that tell me I'm smart... not fishing for compliments here...no no no. I'm asking for input because while I may think I'm good at this or that, we can many times see in others things they don't see themselves. I'm at a crossroads in my education where I need to decide what facet of psychology to move into, as that will determine the field I end up working in. Psychology is my passion... love it love it love it. Now, I totally suck at math and science (at least I find it very difficult; I get B's, not A's...lol) so Psychologist is not in the cards, and I know that. I am type-A, analytical, attentive to detail, pretty perceptive, compassionate, and so on (well, at least in my mind, I'm all that...lol). LOVE criminal profiling shows (yes, I know tv is not real life) and forensic psychology... but don't know what studies (or brains) that requires. Have considered counseling since I have an extensive background in military counseling and communications... but also know that patience is not one of my strong suits, so I fear I'll get frustrated with clients if I don't see forward movement, and realistically know that a counselor's job is facilitation, not being a springboard to action... so I'm hesitant about that area.

I know there's quite a few of you out there who have worked or do work in social sciences and/or psychology fields, so I was interested in your thoughts.

Any/all comments are welcomed. Just curious as to any observations of me or career paths you're aware of that I might consider as I make my way along my educational path.

Hugs to you all!!!
-Koshka

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