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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/Kaleb28/index_sid-7b06870d981edc06985e999674c5de5a_start-60.html |
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| Author: | Kaleb28 [ Sun Sep 12, 2021 10:51 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Lie's |
I wonder if I've been lieing to my self these past three years or that I've been lieing to myself these past 5 months. You know if you tell a lie enough times you tend to actually believe it,. I don't know it makes sense to me I just can't accept that OCD fears can turn into actual feelings I definitely have obsessions and I definitely check to see if my attraction still exist (which it really doesn't at this point) but I just started finding men attractive a year ago, wasn't strong but it exist but especially in the past five months well it's gotten strong I can masterbate to me now I get good feelings along with anxiety when thinking of a guy. I swear this is one of the worst things to happen to me now, I wish it wasn't sexuality I was pretty happy with who I was the past 7-8 years I'm mean I've always been a bit of a coward and a sissy to some extent and I always wanted a sexually dominant woman. It just seems like it all has been forcibly taken from me. I don't fear anything I just want my attraction to men to disappear or for me to wipe my memory I can't enjoy anything I had prior to this... Thing that's been happening because when I play a game I'll be like I remember finding this character attractive but now I don't and it's been replaced with an unwanted attraction for male characters (or any male for that matter I was just using an example). I don't even know if I could go back to how I was and be happy with the experience. after what ive gone through it all just seems like a delusional fantasy I don't want to find men attractive ESPECIALLY primarily men hell I don't even want the choice could my OCD from before really just be a coverup for what I am currently l. I remember there being a time when thinking about sucking xock would make me gag, but now... I think I could do I I think I could ###$ a guy as well. All day I've made an effort to not check anything, I came on here to vent and went straight to the blogs without looking at anything else, it's hard to do but I've persisted. Eh wish me luck |
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| Author: | Kaleb28 [ Sun Sep 12, 2021 3:35 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | It's hard for me to settle |
I think the hardest thing with my obsessions is the fact that I'm always anxious and depressed to some degree, so I can't look at it objectively (im also afraid to) I really just want to settle on something, anything I guess, to hell with what I used to be it's hard for me to let go of my past and as much as I don't want to come to terms to with all this I just should. About 3-4 months ago I was on another OCD forum on another mental health website and 3/4 four people where saying It probably wasn't ocd, who knows whatever I am I hope I can just accept it someday and move on, I dread this lasting years if so we'll i guess I'm in for a bit of a struggle. |
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| Author: | Kaleb28 [ Sat Sep 11, 2021 10:59 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | I wonder |
I wonder, if I could wipe my memory up to this point I think if potentially be more comfortable with all this, I'd say the only thing keeping me from moving forward is my obsession with my past it's so hard to move past it because I want it back I hate looking at both men and women it really sucks even when I'm less stress it still exist the only peace I get are the first few seconds in the morning when I wake up, honestly falling asleep is the hardest, I wonder if I should start taking melatonin. |
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| Author: | Kaleb28 [ Tue Sep 07, 2021 1:05 am ] |
| Blog Subject: | Why |
Why whyyy of all things this whole sexuality struggle is the worst thing ever man I miss my old days when I had ocd and it was actually ocd I honestly want that back. like bi/gay people I can masterbate to guys and find them attractive like ocd people I stress and obsess unlike bi/gay people I only liked women for a long time I really wish I didn't like women in the first place it would have made this a hell of a lot easier. honestly I'd rather not have a relationship than try one period. I can't imagine living my life like this like even when I'm not stressed it feels terrible this is literally one of THE worst things that could have happened to me I was all happy so why why does my dumb brain want to change now, or was it always there was it always repressed I wish I could go back in time to a year ago with all the thoughts, feelings and fantasies I used to have. now I masterbait to men somewhat I find them attractive I want to stop obsessing but than I'll just be depressed maybe? I don't know life sucks I've literally lost an interest in women i literally just want to wipe my mind of all my previous memories so I can go on with my life because than I wouldnt give a ###$ about the fact that I find men attractive or might want to suck cock I WOULDNT CARE ABOUT MY LACK OF INTREAST IN WOMEN I need to talk to an ocd therapist but I'm afraid that there gonna tell me I don't have ocd. I'd rather live with stressfull optimism than hopeless depression i literally don't want to kiss a woman anymore. even if it is ocd I'd still be bisexual a relationship just isn't worth it I go between feeling like I'm accepting it to feeling terrible. I want to suck cock, man I just want to live in a forest and not deal with people even when I kind of know what I want I just dislike it when ever I see an attractive man it's distressing life could have been so wonderful I could of had a woman someday and lived a great life and now I think I might still be able to have a woman but it's because I chose a relationship with the opposite sex I really wish there was somebody similar to me the ocder's on this site don't seem similar to my condition the bi people seem more similar to me but they can put the puzzle pieces together I can't or maybe I'm not letting my self even when I'm not stressed these attractions still exist the only time I ever feel good is when I first wake up in the morning life just isn't ######6 worth it... Or maybe it is i just want to sleep forever why was I hoodwinked for 7 ######6 years why couldn't my stupid brain of showed me this sooner things would have been a lot ######6 better. |
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| Author: | Kaleb28 [ Mon Sep 06, 2021 9:42 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | I'm baffled |
When I look at my past there is nothing absolutely nothing that points me twords being gay or bi it utterly baffles me that I am how I am there is nothing in my past that tells me that I had even an inqling of liking my own sex and get here we are I'm definitely not up front and I'm a very agreeable and socially anxious person but I can't think of anything that would of pointed me to where I am now there was a point in the where I couldn't understand how a person could find somebody.of there own sex attractive everything I wanted was in a woman so this is just confusing I can't find anybody who's going through what I'm going through the gays and the bi's can look at there past and say ah this makes sense the people say that sounds utterly disgusting but I still fear it I'm somewhere in between and not only that I only ever wanted women for 7-8 years and trying to separate my past from my current self is just hard and depressing |
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