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Kaleb28
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 155
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 12:23 am
Blog: View Blog (47)
Archives
- November 2021
Self fulfilling prophecy
   Tue Nov 23, 2021 5:30 pm
I don't feel to anxious
   Tue Nov 23, 2021 1:01 am
I'm not as anxious right now but I'm still confused
   Sun Nov 21, 2021 8:45 am
Why am I a coward
   Fri Nov 19, 2021 10:55 pm
I don't know what to do
   Sun Nov 14, 2021 12:40 pm
Don't know what to call this
   Thu Nov 11, 2021 12:40 am
I know what I like
   Fri Nov 05, 2021 8:41 pm
I can't relate
   Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:19 am
Been feeling sad recently
   Tue Nov 02, 2021 10:29 pm

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Self fulfilling prophecy

Permanent Linkby Kaleb28 on Tue Nov 23, 2021 5:30 pm

I swear everything that I don't want to come true comes true I swear it's a self fulfilling prophecy, like who I was 8 months ago is not the person I am now and the person I was 4 months ago also isn't the same person I was, at least sexually.

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I don't feel to anxious

Permanent Linkby Kaleb28 on Tue Nov 23, 2021 1:01 am

When I'm not that anxious I still find men attractive a part of me says "yeah I can live with this" I don't like it but when I'm less anxious and able to look at it objectively I can say with absolute certainty that men are hot. The worst part about it is that I don't want to do anything with a guy and to my knowledge I didn't find men attractive prior to 8 months ago so I don't have a history of it.

I really wish I could explain why I'm like this I don't get it, I should probably stop asking questions and just let things happen but it's so hard.

Oh well at least I still read straight erotica.

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I'm not as anxious right now but I'm still confused

Permanent Linkby Kaleb28 on Sun Nov 21, 2021 8:45 am

I've been getting urges to masterbate to men and I let it happen, I'm not sure how I feel, I do feel depressed, If my desire to be with a woman was still there I'd be a bit less anxious but it's not I find the idea of a woman somewhat weird I used to love the idea of kissing a woman, now these days it seems odd, I hate to say it but I don't want it.

The thing is that if I look at my own sexual history there was I point in time where I found the idea of sucking a guys penis, being all touchy feely, sleeping with a guy and kissing a guy weird now these days I really want to do it. I still find womens bodies attractive but still.

I think part of why I never wanted to say that this was sexual desire in the first ace was 1. I didn't want to admit that an OCD fear of mine was real ( which would mean it wasn't OCD) 2. I didn't like the prospect that my previous sexual desires had changed. The problem for me is that I can't find anything in my sexual history that would've indicated this, I mean during my ocd episodes it look at my self and say "I find my self attractive meaning women could find my attractive"(it's weird saying I wanted a woman) but I only ever found my self attractive during those episodes and that was really about it. That in September of last year during one of my episodes I started finding some men attractive the idea of sucking a guys penis was less disgusting and the idea of doing oral sex on a woman became less appealing, but than it died down women became who I was mainly attracted to, now I still didn't find penis disgusting mind you and I still found the occasional man attractive.

These days the person I was 8 months ago seems so odd and foreign that I don't even want that anymore I sometimes wonder how I was ever like that I was happy at the time but whatever happened changed that for whatever reason.

Now here's where the problem comes in I can't find any reason as to why I'm like this, short of the last 8 months I can't think of any event that would indicate bisexuality, was I just clueless? I don't know. Sometimes I get angry at people saying I'm straight funny enough but when I'm in my more 'hetero' moments I feel the happiest and the most 'normal'.

Now I know snaga has mentioned how he would go back and forth and how he felt anxious because of his desire. For me I go back and forth from saying these are real desires and there going to be with me forever to maybe I will go back to normal, I feel anxiety not at the idea of finding men attractive but because men are attractive to me it's frustrating. Now this attraction isn't as bad as my ocd riddled mind use to have me believe but it still sucks.

Huh I feel like I have a conflict of interest

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Why am I a coward

Permanent Linkby Kaleb28 on Fri Nov 19, 2021 10:55 pm

Why am I such a coward why can't I adapt to change I want to want the gay side of me why can't I accept it. I think it's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that one of my OCD fears has come true I hate it

I NEED to accept.it but it's so hard

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I don't know what to do

Permanent Linkby Kaleb28 on Sun Nov 14, 2021 12:40 pm

I know I post here a lot but I like venting it's nice ever since April these feelings and the attraction have gotten stronger and stronger it really sucks. My worst fear in all of this is that the feelings are going to exist for ever, I'm I seriously going to have to find men attractive all my life? That sounds terrible. Are things seriously going to be like this? Even when I don't feel as anxious I'd rather just not be ok with these feelings than like them though I try to like them I'd rather not. I have a vested interest in not being gay or bi. Now of course OCD isn't a sexuality issue but like I said before in other posts I do think that there is a problem with my sexuality as well.

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