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KSalem
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- May 2017
The Insidious Effects of Child & Teen Pageants
   Wed May 24, 2017 9:56 am
Hope
   Wed May 24, 2017 2:25 am
My General Story.
   Tue May 23, 2017 3:49 am

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The Insidious Effects of Child & Teen Pageants

Permanent Linkby KSalem on Wed May 24, 2017 9:56 am

Before I was old enough to refuse, my mother enrolled me in child beauty pageants. I'm quite good at analysing situations, but I honestly do not know why my mother decided this life for me. She never revealed much of her past to me.

I was a poor student at school and I was abused at home. I didn't have any self-esteem as a child generally. All I had were these pageants. So when I was indeed old enough to decline participating in these pageants, I didn't. It was the only activity where I felt I excelled.

Your looks become everything. My mum had an eating disorder and she passed it onto me by instilling in me her own bad habits, but I think, even if she didn't have an eating disorder, I would have developed one by participating in these pageants.

I felt I was an object after a while. I felt no personality, no skills, nothing. All I had was my body. When you have absolutely nothing to hang your hat on, pageants are a very dangerous idea.

I don't think they're entirely evil. I think if a girl has success in school, success in other hobbies like ballet or art, then pageants can be just one part of many things she does.

However, it is so risky emotionally, and requires such delicate and consistent parenting, I don't believe it's worth the risk for most people.

K

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Hope

Permanent Linkby KSalem on Wed May 24, 2017 2:25 am

Hoping everyone is getting my messages and posts. I plan on writing something soon about my past and current substance abuse, how I'm overcoming it, and some other (hopefully) interesting things too.

Kel xxx

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My General Story.

Permanent Linkby KSalem on Tue May 23, 2017 3:49 am

Hi, I'm Kel, age 35, from England.

I was horribly abused as a child. My mum was a single mum (never met my father) and she probably regretted having me. She took out her frustrations on me: extreme verbal abuse, beatings, hard spankings, locking me in closets and other enclosed spaces for no reason.

She had many boyfriends over the years. A few of them were grabby. I let them grab me. It was some type of attention and affection. And, I loved that it would infuriate my mum.

She eventually married my step-father who was a charming, charismatic, successful man. I could not believe how normal and loving he was. After one particularly vile incident of abuse directed at me by my mum, I confided in him. I was 10 years old.

He seduced me. He told me we would leave mum and get married ourselves as a I grew older. Essentially I became his sex slave, but I was so head-over-heels infatuated with this man, the first person in the world who I felt ever loved me, that I didn't mind him having me.

Four years later, in the midst of this abuse disguised in absurd romance, he disappeared. In one day, he was gone. They'd had a fight and separated. I didn't see it coming. I was destroyed.

I acted out badly at school. I was forced to do community service at hospital. I was only 15 and I met a patient there, 41 years of age, and we struck up a relationship. I lied to him about my age.

Worried that I would be without protection since my step-father was gone, I took to this new man. He bought me a flat and got me out of home. But he was married and very demanding sexually.

I noticed a pattern: My step-father "saved" me and so did this older man. And I gave them undue loyalty. I became a sex object. Obviously I confused this with expressions of love and attention. I didn't want to believe the truth that these were both leveraged, abusive situations.

I stayed with this married man for 17 years. He got me hopelessly hooked on blow by age 17. At first, it felt like an instant cure for depression and low self-esteem. By my early 20's, I'd spent two years in rehab, which was paid for by my man. Once again, he "saved" me.

And so the relationship continued. He pushed me around, verbally abused me, violated me, asked me to participate in group sex and if I ever refused anything, I was smacked or worse. I worked, but he took my money and managed my finances. He was in total control of my life, and yet I still loved him deeply for saving my life twice.

Almost two decades passed, and he died suddenly. He was an off-and-on drug abuser like I was. I am once again heartbroken and desperate for a saviour.

A few times, I contacted my step-father, who obviously is much older now and remarried. He has a large, vibrant family. We've visited a few times, but we ended up having sex. We both know it can't happen anymore. I've stopped seeing him for now. Hopefully we can have a healthy relationship at some point.

Now, I chat to men online and maintain cybersex relationships. I know that going through the real thing and enduring the actual abuse is not good for me. I only keep these cyber relationships. All of them are abusive in nature.

Sometimes they feel profound, but I know I need to stop them.

My drug situation is more or less under control. I'm not suppose to use alcohol or cocaine, but I still do - only in very desperate circumstances of extreme anxiety or depression though.

Anyway, through all of this, I've maintained the same job since age 16, and not many people know about my problems. I put on a brave face.

I've come here to open more and hopefully help others.

Thanks for reading.

Love,
Kel

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