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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
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how we avoided an internal war
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We know we're the same person but...

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Jun 21, 2017 8:35 pm

We've worked together for decades with little conflict. We're not sure whether the cooperation developed over time or if we had it in childhood. It never dawned on us to view ourselves as distinct alters. Even after we determined that we did develop dissociative identify disorder (DID) due to parental abuse in early childhood, we weren't able to make the distinction that there are two of us normally in control of the life and the body and we're not the same alter -- Johnny (me) and John, the one who probably usually posts here. Only after distinguishing some differences in behavior, thinking and skills/strengths were we able to conclude: we are not the same host alter, there are at least two of us. (In fact there are more host-like alters, perhaps more than we recognize even now but that's a story for a future blog entry).

We still are not sure exactly where one of us starts and the other ends. Or put differently, we don't fully recognize the seams that both join and separate us. With most alters in our system, as with many DID systems, switching from one to another is noticeable. With us, there's no discernible switch.

Even though our system is stable and we're moving towards greater health, functionality and internal communication, knowing what's going on at any moment is incredibly frustrating. For this reason, we generally try to avoid figuring out certain things, like who's in control of the body at any moment. We're all the same person, we're alters but we're all in the same mind and body. It's just with DID, we don't experience ourselves that way. I don't think this blog entry adds much to our self-awareness. But I felt like posting something that I know is from me. - Johnny

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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