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Johnny-Jack's Blog
Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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We know we're the same person but...

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Jun 21, 2017 8:35 pm

We've worked together for decades with little conflict. We're not sure whether the cooperation developed over time or if we had it in childhood. It never dawned on us to view ourselves as distinct alters. Even after we determined that we did develop dissociative identify disorder (DID) due to parental abuse in early childhood, we weren't able to make the distinction that there are two of us normally in control of the life and the body and we're not the same alter -- Johnny (me) and John, the one who probably usually posts here. Only after distinguishing some differences in behavior, thinking and skills/strengths were we able to conclude: we are not the same host alter, there are at least two of us. (In fact there are more host-like alters, perhaps more than we recognize even now but that's a story for a future blog entry).

We still are not sure exactly where one of us starts and the other ends. Or put differently, we don't fully recognize the seams that both join and separate us. With most alters in our system, as with many DID systems, switching from one to another is noticeable. With us, there's no discernible switch.

Even though our system is stable and we're moving towards greater health, functionality and internal communication, knowing what's going on at any moment is incredibly frustrating. For this reason, we generally try to avoid figuring out certain things, like who's in control of the body at any moment. We're all the same person, we're alters but we're all in the same mind and body. It's just with DID, we don't experience ourselves that way. I don't think this blog entry adds much to our self-awareness. But I felt like posting something that I know is from me. - Johnny

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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