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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
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Unwraveling what happens

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Apr 25, 2017 4:00 am

This could all be wrong. When we learn something significant it sometimes feel very iffy, very unsolid, tentative. So today. I noticed at work we started going into he avoiding thing we do, mostly at home. I decided to tackle a big project I'm a part of. I'm way behind the dozens of others, mostly managers, in learning a new system. In fact, we teach ourselves to some extent and I haven't even started. I had some free time and I was going to therapy in a little over an hour. What better time to start and know that whatever comes up I can deal with it in therapy.

What came up was we immediately began avoiding it. I saw us doing others things, easier non-work busy things. It felt like I was doing it, as it always has. Yet I was nervous and felt guilty about the procrastination. I was worried and I wanted to stop it. Not weakly as usual, I [i]really[/i] wanted it to stop now. This went back and forth for a while, me watching, taking back over to start, then being pulled back from control, it seemed. But the body was acting exactly like I act, using the same adult motions. Or was I just so used to them that I could no longer make a distinction.

There was a lot of worry, anxiety, and I knew this wasn't me, I had virtually no reason to feel this level of anxiety, impending doom really. The anxiety wasn't mine and if I was a puppet put into control of the body but not from my volition, I wasn't going to go along.

Mick felt nearby. he's the time-waster and I wanted to see if he were controlling me from behind or controlling the body himself. I wasn't and am still not sure but I somehow stepped away, as I have once or twice before and he was in the body alone. No adult, clearly, a young teenager. We never blame Mick. If he's forced some way to control me or to take over for me, there's someone or some thing forcing him.

In therapy we learned Abraham was connected, but not in what way. Perhaps this was all about programming so Abe is involved.

I vacated and left Mick alone in the body. He wass immediatley the 13 year old, very obvious. And he had absolutely no idea what to do. Even though he can do some simple things at work, he can't do anything alone and he doesn't understand anything about the job other than what he's picked up through bored observation. I felt bad for this kid suddenly pushed in front alone. But I was glad it was so clear.

In trying to unwravel this in T today, we may have discovered what everyone kept calling an entity. It wasn't quite an alter. The only not-quite-an-alter we have is Sphinx and even he's an alter in the end. mick was calling him "that guy over there" so that suggested another alter or the entity.

We've always been drawn to tornados and hurricanes. Whirlpools and whirlwinds, swirling clouds of smoke, anything like this. We had dreams of tornados throughout childhood and into adulthood. We lived in a tornado path so they were very real to our town.

We've also had the experience for years of having a hand reach down into our thought when we seem to be figuring something out and having our brain tuened to mush. The hand whips around a cloud and our thought cannot stay on the figuring out, the thinking. It just swirls after, into the smoke. We're left with immense frustration, confusion about what even happened, and calm. We used to barely recall anything that came before. As many of these happened over years, we started remembering snippets. Like we were trying to remember something and our mind wouldn't let us.

Anyway we think the entity is a new guy, an alter, we named X, but shortly lenthened it so he's pronounceable: Xavi. He may be an alter. If he is he's a welcome part of us all, our system, our family.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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RE: Unwraveling what happens

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:55 am

Even though I know what I was writing about, this blog entry seems uncharacteristically confusing and vague. I usually write, then reread and edit what I write before posting. Let this be a lesson to me to always read again and make changes before I post. I want what I write to make sense, as much as that's possible with DID phenomena! Not just for others who take the time to read what I write but for myselves when we reread these posts later. Even the subject word "unravel" is misspelled. Geesh.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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