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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
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Unwraveling what happens

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Apr 25, 2017 4:00 am

This could all be wrong. When we learn something significant it sometimes feel very iffy, very unsolid, tentative. So today. I noticed at work we started going into he avoiding thing we do, mostly at home. I decided to tackle a big project I'm a part of. I'm way behind the dozens of others, mostly managers, in learning a new system. In fact, we teach ourselves to some extent and I haven't even started. I had some free time and I was going to therapy in a little over an hour. What better time to start and know that whatever comes up I can deal with it in therapy.

What came up was we immediately began avoiding it. I saw us doing others things, easier non-work busy things. It felt like I was doing it, as it always has. Yet I was nervous and felt guilty about the procrastination. I was worried and I wanted to stop it. Not weakly as usual, I [i]really[/i] wanted it to stop now. This went back and forth for a while, me watching, taking back over to start, then being pulled back from control, it seemed. But the body was acting exactly like I act, using the same adult motions. Or was I just so used to them that I could no longer make a distinction.

There was a lot of worry, anxiety, and I knew this wasn't me, I had virtually no reason to feel this level of anxiety, impending doom really. The anxiety wasn't mine and if I was a puppet put into control of the body but not from my volition, I wasn't going to go along.

Mick felt nearby. he's the time-waster and I wanted to see if he were controlling me from behind or controlling the body himself. I wasn't and am still not sure but I somehow stepped away, as I have once or twice before and he was in the body alone. No adult, clearly, a young teenager. We never blame Mick. If he's forced some way to control me or to take over for me, there's someone or some thing forcing him.

In therapy we learned Abraham was connected, but not in what way. Perhaps this was all about programming so Abe is involved.

I vacated and left Mick alone in the body. He wass immediatley the 13 year old, very obvious. And he had absolutely no idea what to do. Even though he can do some simple things at work, he can't do anything alone and he doesn't understand anything about the job other than what he's picked up through bored observation. I felt bad for this kid suddenly pushed in front alone. But I was glad it was so clear.

In trying to unwravel this in T today, we may have discovered what everyone kept calling an entity. It wasn't quite an alter. The only not-quite-an-alter we have is Sphinx and even he's an alter in the end. mick was calling him "that guy over there" so that suggested another alter or the entity.

We've always been drawn to tornados and hurricanes. Whirlpools and whirlwinds, swirling clouds of smoke, anything like this. We had dreams of tornados throughout childhood and into adulthood. We lived in a tornado path so they were very real to our town.

We've also had the experience for years of having a hand reach down into our thought when we seem to be figuring something out and having our brain tuened to mush. The hand whips around a cloud and our thought cannot stay on the figuring out, the thinking. It just swirls after, into the smoke. We're left with immense frustration, confusion about what even happened, and calm. We used to barely recall anything that came before. As many of these happened over years, we started remembering snippets. Like we were trying to remember something and our mind wouldn't let us.

Anyway we think the entity is a new guy, an alter, we named X, but shortly lenthened it so he's pronounceable: Xavi. He may be an alter. If he is he's a welcome part of us all, our system, our family.

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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RE: Unwraveling what happens

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:55 am

Even though I know what I was writing about, this blog entry seems uncharacteristically confusing and vague. I usually write, then reread and edit what I write before posting. Let this be a lesson to me to always read again and make changes before I post. I want what I write to make sense, as much as that's possible with DID phenomena! Not just for others who take the time to read what I write but for myselves when we reread these posts later. Even the subject word "unravel" is misspelled. Geesh.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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