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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Johnny-Jack
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The fire within

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Sep 30, 2014 3:39 am

I wrote this three years ago and it still describes me to the core better than anything else I could otherwise put into words.

I am strong
I am a man
I protect and provide
I nurture and I love
yet I have lost my way
from lack of skills
to become what I am

The purpose of my life
has always been
a wife, a child
my soul cries out
to tell its tale
and I burn within
this is nothing
I learned at home
for we in my youth
were never taught this

The body calls
screaming its truth
it is not a thing
I can redesign
nor wish to change
it is who I am
larger in scope than
the many I became
from most cruel
and damaged parents
I am man
original to the self
core to what
this entity I call me is

Family, my own family
the simple truth I know
the only essence
of me that exists
having babies
family, wife, these are
what should have been
from the beginning
the journey has been long
but dangerous battles
with more powerful foes
injured and confused me
and made me lose my way

How can one not be
ruled by who one is
how do I endure
a life where I am
not who I am
I have waited, waited
waited for me to show up
in order to become me
the fire has not gone out
but would a new me
put true me aside
and extinguish the flame
I can be a thousand mes
on the surface
but the real one
the singularity within
independent of time
or place of birth
or circumstance
is husband
family man
abundant lover
provider and protector

No separate roles these
facets of the same gem
I am a father
one without issue
yet all that entails
not my father but
quintessential father
I am he who begets
and loves and protects
my offspring and
her alongside me
how shall this happen
when it seems
it cannot happen
whereas it must

I find myself in the midst
of a war that is my life
from so many skirmishes
many scars I carry
who awaits me, anyone?
peace at hand, I wish
to travel the road home
to my own wife
so that I may love
and cherish her
doing little things
that remind her every day
how unique a jewel she is
how beautiful in my eyes
and how I could never
desire another
because she fulfills me
my embers burn within
I am wired for her
and her alone
though we have never met
I love her complete
because she is imperfect
just like me

The combat long past
my trek takes me
along muddy back roads
to my children as well
so that I may love
and teach them
cradle and clothe them
carry them laughingly
on broad shoulders
soothe their wounds
and grant them a life
filled with security
and daily bliss so true
it need never be spoken
because it simply is

They do not exist
in the here and now
perhaps they never will
how can I live a life
without my bride
my beloved family
who never were
where can they be
how shall I find them

I am rugged
I laugh heartily, abundantly
my hair falls onto
a face that is open
and pleasing
my jaw and body strong
younger than my years
but no longer young
decorated, wise and
battle-tested am I
scarred, yet I heal
from the flames within
I am a man
who cannot imagine
life without his loves
I miss them
so very much
and I have never
met them

I have always dreamt
and dream still
of making them happy
each waking day
in a world of ways
I crave so deeply
the taking care of them
I would work my fingers
to the very bone
laboring for hours
in harsh, cold rain
under lash of whip
and gladly
to feed and clothe
and warmly shelter
my wife, my children

I yearn for them
I ache to touch them
to kiss them each
a thousand times
and hold them in my arms
where are they
will I ever find them?
I am strong
I am a man
and my fire burns within
for I am nothing
without them

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
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