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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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the collapse of "inside": a move toward integration

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue May 01, 2012 4:45 am

"Inside" was a place in the mind we could identify where alters went when they weren't out in control of the body. Inside was also the place where the host would go when he wanted to "go away," leaving a shell of himself in the body. That is, when John would dissociate while he was somewhere he didn't really want to be, like a dentist's office. Something happened in our system in early October 2011 that in hindsight seems to be a step towards integration.

Early one evening, reversing months of shutting him out, I expressed a very spontaneous appreciation and love for Jonathan, for all that he had done for me over the years, for sacrificing his own desires in service to mine. I knew his self-denial was his design but it had been extremely difficult for him as he is a unique person with his own needs that frequently ran counter to mine. Shortly after my communication, we discovered that our inside, our safe place of retreat, had collapsed. The dissociative walls had crumbled, though not entirely. But they were now more like borders between us than high, impenetrable walls.

Jonathan somehow led the pack away from our own individual spaces. He himself stepped out of his box into the more common space, so to speak, and because he is powerful internally, the natural leader of the alters, everyone followed. All except one.

Ashar is mute and has no command of language, so he didn't understand what was going on and remained in hiding. The only way we realized he wasn't with us was that Adam came into the body panicking and crying. We couldn't understand at all at first but began to sense that he was worried about the wolfdog, his young protector. We recognized he hadn't come out near the front with the rest but remained inside, perhaps trapped. Without waiting for a decision, Jack went deep into the mind to find the remains of inside. Once he found it, he felt as if the portal to it was closing. So he reached inside grabbed Ashar by his legs, and "flung" him out into the body. With Ashar suddenly in the body, in a sort of flashback, we didn't realize immediately that the final existence of inside had now disappeared, we soon understood, forever.

We realize this sounds quite bizarre but the experience felt extremely real to us at the time. We were in terror that we might lose not just one but two alters to the collapsing inside.

I've never read of anything similar but something radical definitely happened. After the collapse was complete, there was no longer a place deep inside to escape to, for any alter. By analogy, if we used to live in a vast twenty-floor apartment building, so large we didn't know at any moment where anyone was, we were suddenly all evacuated down into the lobby, the elevator was permanently shut down, then the upper levels simply vanished.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, twins Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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