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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
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Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 30, 2016 5:38 pm

Because of childhood abuse from infancy at the hands of both parents and others, I was unable to develop a single cohesive identity. Instead, my young mind coped by developing multiple ego states or identities, leading to a condition known as dissociative identity disorder.

Here are our alters and shortened descriptions we’ve recorded to keep track of them and of changes in our system. Numbers following the # are the order in which we became aware of each of us, out of a total of 54 as of 12/30/2016.

*** INFANTS AND TODDLERS (age 0-2) ***

Adam 8 months, #5. The core or original; drowned, choked, smothered by mother; much healed due to time in body, usually at bedtime; loves wolfie plush toy

Zeb 1, #22. Sweet, giggly; has positive response to nice physical touching; came due to weird SA by father

Clark 1, #36. Strong fear of knives and hands being held down or trapped; when triggered, makes continuous clicking sound and holds hands up to face

Edward 1½, #17. Little knight holding mission to be good, not bad like the bad people (parents); our moral compass; not frightened of dark or drawn to stuffed animals like other littles but more like other littles over time; loves brightly colored things

Henry 2, #23. Boy used to being lost in public, deserted by careless mother; loves dogs; doesn’t panic when lost

Ashár 2, #8. Wolfdog enduring ritualized torture for being male from DID mother's animal alter; feral, can't speak, made weird creeking sounds; originally only crawled; once highly triggered by anything rope-like being draped over body; ended abuse by biting mother’s hand; loves blue spongy car toy to orient to having hands

*** LITTLES (ages 3-7) ***

Little John 3, #2. Stayed quiet and out of everyone’s way; unnoticed = safe; adamant about not wanting or needing anything; more assertive nowadays; due to being awake for decades, he grasps some things beyond his age; gives us the ability to go without and be okay with that; loves puzzles

Max 3½, #16. Spunky, though originally frozen and terrified; much time out so quite healed; ability to see what alters look like inside; loves toys for little boys his age

Pip 3⅞, #33. Untraumatized; imagined/planned running away from home; looks for escape routes

Scott 4, #54. Kept us in one place when separated from mother, who often switched and wandered away in public; likes butterscotch; may keep us stationary, unchanging, when trouble arises, which has advantages and disadvantages

Casper 4, #32. Ghost of a dead boy; took mother’s physical abuse in his bed after rest of family asleep; tends to keep us awake if anyone in home felt to be unsafe

Raisin Annie 4, #37. Originally we felt there were no females in our system, but if there were, she would be stuck in another dimension, a parallel world; name corrupts “raising Annie,” as in rescuing her; knew her name years ago but thought she was a family myth, not part of our system; likes princesses and such

Wats (Watson) 4, #48. Sweet kid locked in a box in basement by mother; came same time as Ulric; self-assigned mission is figuring out how to escacpe

Hansel 4, #10. Bubbly, supportive twin who helps Johann feel better, adventuresome, fun-loving, quite mischievous

Johann 4, #11. Somber twin, adventuresome but more responsible and serious than Hansel.

Both twins have spent so much time in body, they’ve healed, which helps other littles near their age; arose from same abuse as Quato

Inky 5, #21. Originally terrified of any moving vehicle since mother tried to lure, push him into traffic; a bit immature for his age; stumbles in his speech sometimes; visits frequently

Kent 5, #29. Traumatized by father’s SA in law office; generally sad; highly triggered by legal, official or financial matters or lists

Michael 5½, #30. Originally mute; gentle; SA from mother in ‘the darkness’ of the closet

Caleb 5½, #43. Quiet boy who listens carefully for approach of bad people, causes us to speak quietly; can be hyper-alert for potential danger

Estes 6. #52. Feels like hope personified; sees silver lining in dire circumstances?; not yet met

Godwin 6, #31. Took physical punishment, punches to groin by mother for non-family members praising us for any reason; avoids excellence that could lead to praise

Carter 6, #15. Significant role influencing John, who succeeded him; extremely sentimental, emotional, sensitive and responsible; piano lessons

Greg B. 6, #24. Afraid of policemen though named after one policeman’s kid we knew; likes lifesaver candies

Andre 6 or 7, #38. Still protective of SA memory of pedophile group, associated with great shame and confusion; steadfast, brave

Chase 7, #14. Rich, privileged boy who doesn't believe he should do manual labor; very polite; proper diction and behavior but has loosened up; insists on nice clothing; strongly influenced by English grandmother; abused by English grandfather

Cole 7, #27. Sustained early morning father’s SA in basement so always wants to wake up early and leave house, go for a walk; energetic in morning

Matt 7, #35. Paradoxically gentle kid who holds vividly imagined violence against mother and father with an ice pick; feels connected to Godwin; likes airplanes

*** MIDDLES (ages 8-12) ***

Hank 8, #40. Angry (?) kid, manipulated by father towards “enjoying” abuse

Luke 8, #18. Farm boy, rural; loves physical movement; oddly skewed gait; only alter preserving attachment to both parents; abused by paternal uncle; hates selfishness

Yanni 8, #49. Pretends to sleep; does ‘forced’ sleep as defense mechanism against parents or bad situations

Sky 8, #45. Holds father’s threat (in poem form?) to hurt us and family if we told anyone about abuse; may hold instructions for self-destruction also; original name means wolf

Vince 8, #46. Choked by father as a warning never to reveal abuse; came same time as Sky; no anger or bitterness

Brody 9, #19. Tough kid, resilient; a “free agent,” the only alter reachable and participating even when no one else around

Ty 10, #20. Slim English redhead boy who seems to mimic English grandfather; like Chase, now uses American accent

Randy (Randall) 10, #44. Boy who protected Jonathan from his conflicting thoughts; may have helped hold in place Jonathan’s desire for escape or annihilation, thus has caused us to retain suicidal thoughts (?); name means wolf

Zane ~10, #51. Holds overwhelming despair (neverending pain) so deep he has to exist in another dimension; no real communication with him yet

Abraham ~10?, #54. Seems to limit us from progressing or making changes; the words “programming” and “mission” suggest bad things from the father; avoids responding to us directly via words but some communication

Jack 11, #4. Most independent alter, most in line with natural body; hillbilly from Appalachia, speaks dialect learned from an actual hillbilly; arrived age 7 from father’s SA; gregarious, curious, loves plants, wilderness; led the charge to make John aware of the alters; casually Christian

Nigel / Oberon 12, #50. Drives an interest in tarot, the occult, mysticism, earth religions; unlike others, comfortable with the inexplicable; Oberon is his magic name (?)

*** TEENS ***

Mxyzptlk / Mick 13, #42. Mischievous, truant, causes us to procrastinate, filling hours with unproductive, somewhat repetitive activities, though great at calming us down; dislikes authority, like Quato; has fronted or influenced us for perhaps the majority of waking adult hours

Faolán 14, #25. Detaches for us from people who hurt John, makes us go cold and be "over" anyone; less extreme in reaction than Ulric; name means wolf

Daniel / Dan 15, #6. Jock, macho, loves physical activity, fitness; “working class” due to different childhood friends; held rage but mellow when not triggered; killed internally from fear he was “bad” but we resurrected him a few years ago; holds the natural (straight) sex drive

Kyle 16, #39. Holds such rage it feels he could kill (hence Kyle)

Quato 19, #9. Bitter, sarcastic, easily angered, defiant; sexual alter; hates power structures, conservative people; averse to Christianity; drawn to weirdos and outcasts; likes dark hopeless things like post-apocalyptic lit; bit of a masochist; beatnicky speech; fronts to deal with dangerous people; accomplished, effective liar; was quarantined by Jonathan and Dan for suicidality; sometime trickster towards Johnny

*** ADULTS ***

Neville 20, #26. Reads aloud to us in his British accent when we need to focus or understand something better; much confusion with Nigel; formerly thought an age slider

Jonathan 33, #3. Rather conventional, likes business; upscale, neat, stiff, conservative clothing style; holds career and financial ambition and drive; attached to father for us; bookish like John; straight

Ryder 40, #34. Host or near host; work guy who does focused organizational thinking, number-crunching, computers; little emotion and distracted by it; brass tacks, masculine; sees Johnny as too distractible, John as too sentimental; prefers little interaction with people; likes to stay busy, be “in the zone”

Aaron 44, #13. Philosophical lumberjack is how we describe his personality; created by accident when a host tried “making” an (ideal) alter in case he was actually multiple; seems tied to (based on?) Jonathan

Marc-Dominic 40s, #12. Sophisticated, formal, proud, suave, gentlemanly; hates sloppy clothes ; effectively prevents feeling insecure or unequal despite other people’s power, wealth, or credentials

Ulric (Uthar) 50s, #47. A bogeyman, dead by choice, with attitude "you're dead to me”; triggered out when hurt by people close to us; originally created extreme pervasive detachment and dead coldness that lasted for days but has modified towards healthier temporary detachments; name means wolf

John 50s, #28. Primary host, except socially; tends towards low energy; bookish; strongly influenced by some alters; arrived at age 6 at death of paternal grandmother, replacing Carter (?); does empathy, sympathy, and attachment under influence from Gwen; attached to mother for us; sexuality confused

Gwendolyn / Gwen 50s, #41. Arose at age 6, when told beloved, protective paternal grandmother died; twin-like to John but behind a wall; primarily influences John, which creates sense of his being motherly, feminine; source of our commitment to making vulnerable, frightened people feel safe; recent revelation that name is actually Gwendolyn came with awareness she began as a fairy godmother

Johnny 50s, #1. Extroverted social and work host; high social skills, especially with “difficult” people; warm, self-effacing, joking; high energy but may sap body of energy after he’s been out; arrived age 2½, replacing Little John; sexuality dampened

Sphinx ∞, #7. Gatekeeper, internal self-helper, ageless, robotic, unemotional, genderless; fronts at will, rarely, overriding anyone; needs to be asked questions; mysterious short answers resulted in nickname Sphinx; surveys central nervous system to identify which alter is out; can access life event history to assess validity of an offered supposition or calculate number of similar events that occurred

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Nov 21, 2017 2:31 am

Flynn 13, #62
Cam 13, #63 (Campbell)
Cully 13, #64
Tuck 13, #65
Able 13, #66
Eberly 13, #67
Will 13, #68

To us, these are strange-sounding names that were selected "recently." We hear this type of comment inside even though we may not understand exactly where it's coming from.

We discovered from Hoyt (I think) during EMDR that there are 7 in this group we've called "cards" because they flip among each other, like riffling cards. I sense it would be a bad idea to call for any single one of them, for now. Hoyt seems one of them too but he arrived separately first and has been out in the body a bit. For now, he's like their spokesman. He's definitely a 13-year-old country boy, a kid with an affinity for country things, farms, nature, simple living And so, it seems, are these other 7.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:03 am

I think there may be another two beyond this "wall" created by the 7 "cards." One of them continues to protect from the knowledge maybe, the other holds the experience. Maybe more. It's a whole section of our system.

added 2/9/18:

Gordon 13, #69 -- At age 12 he sustained the shock of a sexual advance from a family member. When he balked, he was struck in the face with a large metal object, which dislocated our jaw. The result has been a near permanent tension in the jaw muscles for some of us, a somatic memory rather than physical damage.

Pehr 13, #70 -- He was forced into participating with sexual abuse. He's "dead," for reasons we now understand.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:07 pm

Sheldon 2, #71 -- Endured random, terrifying physical abuse from the father. He coped for us by focusing hard during the abuse on enjoyable things like playing with stuffed animals (he's named after one).

He and perhaps other alters we're yet to meet may play a part in a huge, lifelong pattern of avoidance behavior.

We discovered Sheldon on 11/28 but soon learned there may be others like him due to related physical abuse from a sadistic sexual alter of the biological father.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Wed Dec 19, 2018 1:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 14, 2018 9:43 pm

Alvin 2, #72 -- Discovered 12/12/18. Endured terrifying physical abuse from our DID father when one of his sexual alters was aroused or something. Alvin seems to be in a group with or is linked to Sheldon, also recently discovered. The abuse involves in part red cowboy boots of the father's. These appear in a large painting the father did of two of us (his son). At some level he knew we were multiple, as he was. Kind of like the ruby slippers in the Wizard of Oz, these boots echo in meaning and symbolism for the father, and for us due to the abuse. So far, Alvin is very scared to have been found and wants mostly to hide.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Wed Dec 19, 2018 12:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Jan 05, 2019 11:38 pm

Erik 2½, #73. Told us his experience in trance on 12/19/18 but wasn't sure he was different from someone we already met, even though we heard the name Erik. We get this brief skepticism or denial sometimes. He came due to the same bullying alter as Sheldon and Alvin. Erik's description of his experience gave us more detail about the father's behavior. His alter was a teen bully and a punk and got weird thrill from his ability to control us and, sadly, probably others outside the body.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Mar 10, 2019 8:42 pm

Carl 2+, #74. We've been getting the name for a few days. From same general abuse by father's punk bullying alter. Carl says he was kicked and got dirty from it.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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