Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)
Archives
- March 2020
how we avoided an internal war
   Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:44 am

+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ September 2019
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Dec 30, 2016 5:38 pm

Because of childhood abuse from infancy at the hands of both parents and others, I was unable to develop a single cohesive identity. Instead, my young mind coped by developing multiple ego states or identities, leading to a condition known as dissociative identity disorder.

Here are our alters and shortened descriptions we’ve recorded to keep track of them and of changes in our system. Numbers following the # are the order in which we became aware of each of us, out of a total of 54 as of 12/30/2016.

*** INFANTS AND TODDLERS (age 0-2) ***

Adam 8 months, #5. The core or original; drowned, choked, smothered by mother; much healed due to time in body, usually at bedtime; loves wolfie plush toy

Zeb 1, #22. Sweet, giggly; has positive response to nice physical touching; came due to weird SA by father

Clark 1, #36. Strong fear of knives and hands being held down or trapped; when triggered, makes continuous clicking sound and holds hands up to face

Edward 1½, #17. Little knight holding mission to be good, not bad like the bad people (parents); our moral compass; not frightened of dark or drawn to stuffed animals like other littles but more like other littles over time; loves brightly colored things

Henry 2, #23. Boy used to being lost in public, deserted by careless mother; loves dogs; doesn’t panic when lost

Ashár 2, #8. Wolfdog enduring ritualized torture for being male from DID mother's animal alter; feral, can't speak, made weird creeking sounds; originally only crawled; once highly triggered by anything rope-like being draped over body; ended abuse by biting mother’s hand; loves blue spongy car toy to orient to having hands

*** LITTLES (ages 3-7) ***

Little John 3, #2. Stayed quiet and out of everyone’s way; unnoticed = safe; adamant about not wanting or needing anything; more assertive nowadays; due to being awake for decades, he grasps some things beyond his age; gives us the ability to go without and be okay with that; loves puzzles

Max 3½, #16. Spunky, though originally frozen and terrified; much time out so quite healed; ability to see what alters look like inside; loves toys for little boys his age

Pip 3⅞, #33. Untraumatized; imagined/planned running away from home; looks for escape routes

Scott 4, #54. Kept us in one place when separated from mother, who often switched and wandered away in public; likes butterscotch; may keep us stationary, unchanging, when trouble arises, which has advantages and disadvantages

Casper 4, #32. Ghost of a dead boy; took mother’s physical abuse in his bed after rest of family asleep; tends to keep us awake if anyone in home felt to be unsafe

Raisin Annie 4, #37. Originally we felt there were no females in our system, but if there were, she would be stuck in another dimension, a parallel world; name corrupts “raising Annie,” as in rescuing her; knew her name years ago but thought she was a family myth, not part of our system; likes princesses and such

Wats (Watson) 4, #48. Sweet kid locked in a box in basement by mother; came same time as Ulric; self-assigned mission is figuring out how to escacpe

Hansel 4, #10. Bubbly, supportive twin who helps Johann feel better, adventuresome, fun-loving, quite mischievous

Johann 4, #11. Somber twin, adventuresome but more responsible and serious than Hansel.

Both twins have spent so much time in body, they’ve healed, which helps other littles near their age; arose from same abuse as Quato

Inky 5, #21. Originally terrified of any moving vehicle since mother tried to lure, push him into traffic; a bit immature for his age; stumbles in his speech sometimes; visits frequently

Kent 5, #29. Traumatized by father’s SA in law office; generally sad; highly triggered by legal, official or financial matters or lists

Michael 5½, #30. Originally mute; gentle; SA from mother in ‘the darkness’ of the closet

Caleb 5½, #43. Quiet boy who listens carefully for approach of bad people, causes us to speak quietly; can be hyper-alert for potential danger

Estes 6. #52. Feels like hope personified; sees silver lining in dire circumstances?; not yet met

Godwin 6, #31. Took physical punishment, punches to groin by mother for non-family members praising us for any reason; avoids excellence that could lead to praise

Carter 6, #15. Significant role influencing John, who succeeded him; extremely sentimental, emotional, sensitive and responsible; piano lessons

Greg B. 6, #24. Afraid of policemen though named after one policeman’s kid we knew; likes lifesaver candies

Andre 6 or 7, #38. Still protective of SA memory of pedophile group, associated with great shame and confusion; steadfast, brave

Chase 7, #14. Rich, privileged boy who doesn't believe he should do manual labor; very polite; proper diction and behavior but has loosened up; insists on nice clothing; strongly influenced by English grandmother; abused by English grandfather

Cole 7, #27. Sustained early morning father’s SA in basement so always wants to wake up early and leave house, go for a walk; energetic in morning

Matt 7, #35. Paradoxically gentle kid who holds vividly imagined violence against mother and father with an ice pick; feels connected to Godwin; likes airplanes

*** MIDDLES (ages 8-12) ***

Hank 8, #40. Angry (?) kid, manipulated by father towards “enjoying” abuse

Luke 8, #18. Farm boy, rural; loves physical movement; oddly skewed gait; only alter preserving attachment to both parents; abused by paternal uncle; hates selfishness

Yanni 8, #49. Pretends to sleep; does ‘forced’ sleep as defense mechanism against parents or bad situations

Sky 8, #45. Holds father’s threat (in poem form?) to hurt us and family if we told anyone about abuse; may hold instructions for self-destruction also; original name means wolf

Vince 8, #46. Choked by father as a warning never to reveal abuse; came same time as Sky; no anger or bitterness

Brody 9, #19. Tough kid, resilient; a “free agent,” the only alter reachable and participating even when no one else around

Ty 10, #20. Slim English redhead boy who seems to mimic English grandfather; like Chase, now uses American accent

Randy (Randall) 10, #44. Boy who protected Jonathan from his conflicting thoughts; may have helped hold in place Jonathan’s desire for escape or annihilation, thus has caused us to retain suicidal thoughts (?); name means wolf

Zane ~10, #51. Holds overwhelming despair (neverending pain) so deep he has to exist in another dimension; no real communication with him yet

Abraham ~10?, #54. Seems to limit us from progressing or making changes; the words “programming” and “mission” suggest bad things from the father; avoids responding to us directly via words but some communication

Jack 11, #4. Most independent alter, most in line with natural body; hillbilly from Appalachia, speaks dialect learned from an actual hillbilly; arrived age 7 from father’s SA; gregarious, curious, loves plants, wilderness; led the charge to make John aware of the alters; casually Christian

Nigel / Oberon 12, #50. Drives an interest in tarot, the occult, mysticism, earth religions; unlike others, comfortable with the inexplicable; Oberon is his magic name (?)

*** TEENS ***

Mxyzptlk / Mick 13, #42. Mischievous, truant, causes us to procrastinate, filling hours with unproductive, somewhat repetitive activities, though great at calming us down; dislikes authority, like Quato; has fronted or influenced us for perhaps the majority of waking adult hours

Faolán 14, #25. Detaches for us from people who hurt John, makes us go cold and be "over" anyone; less extreme in reaction than Ulric; name means wolf

Daniel / Dan 15, #6. Jock, macho, loves physical activity, fitness; “working class” due to different childhood friends; held rage but mellow when not triggered; killed internally from fear he was “bad” but we resurrected him a few years ago; holds the natural (straight) sex drive

Kyle 16, #39. Holds such rage it feels he could kill (hence Kyle)

Quato 19, #9. Bitter, sarcastic, easily angered, defiant; sexual alter; hates power structures, conservative people; averse to Christianity; drawn to weirdos and outcasts; likes dark hopeless things like post-apocalyptic lit; bit of a masochist; beatnicky speech; fronts to deal with dangerous people; accomplished, effective liar; was quarantined by Jonathan and Dan for suicidality; sometime trickster towards Johnny

*** ADULTS ***

Neville 20, #26. Reads aloud to us in his British accent when we need to focus or understand something better; much confusion with Nigel; formerly thought an age slider

Jonathan 33, #3. Rather conventional, likes business; upscale, neat, stiff, conservative clothing style; holds career and financial ambition and drive; attached to father for us; bookish like John; straight

Ryder 40, #34. Host or near host; work guy who does focused organizational thinking, number-crunching, computers; little emotion and distracted by it; brass tacks, masculine; sees Johnny as too distractible, John as too sentimental; prefers little interaction with people; likes to stay busy, be “in the zone”

Aaron 44, #13. Philosophical lumberjack is how we describe his personality; created by accident when a host tried “making” an (ideal) alter in case he was actually multiple; seems tied to (based on?) Jonathan

Marc-Dominic 40s, #12. Sophisticated, formal, proud, suave, gentlemanly; hates sloppy clothes ; effectively prevents feeling insecure or unequal despite other people’s power, wealth, or credentials

Ulric (Uthar) 50s, #47. A bogeyman, dead by choice, with attitude "you're dead to me”; triggered out when hurt by people close to us; originally created extreme pervasive detachment and dead coldness that lasted for days but has modified towards healthier temporary detachments; name means wolf

John 50s, #28. Primary host, except socially; tends towards low energy; bookish; strongly influenced by some alters; arrived at age 6 at death of paternal grandmother, replacing Carter (?); does empathy, sympathy, and attachment under influence from Gwen; attached to mother for us; sexuality confused

Gwendolyn / Gwen 50s, #41. Arose at age 6, when told beloved, protective paternal grandmother died; twin-like to John but behind a wall; primarily influences John, which creates sense of his being motherly, feminine; source of our commitment to making vulnerable, frightened people feel safe; recent revelation that name is actually Gwendolyn came with awareness she began as a fairy godmother

Johnny 50s, #1. Extroverted social and work host; high social skills, especially with “difficult” people; warm, self-effacing, joking; high energy but may sap body of energy after he’s been out; arrived age 2½, replacing Little John; sexuality dampened

Sphinx ∞, #7. Gatekeeper, internal self-helper, ageless, robotic, unemotional, genderless; fronts at will, rarely, overriding anyone; needs to be asked questions; mysterious short answers resulted in nickname Sphinx; surveys central nervous system to identify which alter is out; can access life event history to assess validity of an offered supposition or calculate number of similar events that occurred

Alters #55 and up below in comments
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Fri Sep 06, 2019 2:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
18 Comments Viewed 99394 times
Comments
Next

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby BeccaBee on Sat Dec 31, 2016 2:38 am

thank you for taking the time to post this. reading your journey always helps shine a new insight on mine.

several associations with "wolf". do you know why?
Female, 39
Dx: DID, C-PTSD, TES


We are the Bees

The Rabbit Hole
User avatar
BeccaBee
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2763
Joined: Sun Aug 02, 2015 12:40 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Dec 31, 2016 4:41 pm

They're all detachers as far as I can tell but I didn't see the pattern until I looked up name derivations. It feels associated with our little wolf-dog. It was far more eye-opening for us preparing this than I had imagined and it's not new material. We have much more written details about each of us. But shortening it got me seeing important patterns and the sheer amount and variety of abuse we suffered. Makes me hate my parents so much and the others they allowed to hurt us.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:54 am

Xavi 8, #55. A tornado, a whirling wind. He whips up a dark, dusty cloud and swirls it around our mind, the consciousness, to stop our remembering something and also to stop remembering that we were trying to remember. He generates amnesia for the memories, of having the initial desire to remember, and of the fact that our mind had been wiped clean.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sun Aug 20, 2017 2:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri May 12, 2017 1:42 am

Gaul 40s, #56. Sexual alter who seems to have replaced Quato at age 19. Very strong alter who until recently could front at will, though we and he were basically unaware of his distinctness from the rest of us.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sun Aug 20, 2017 2:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:14 pm

Calvin (Cal) 15, #57. Host-like alter similar to John but younger. He seems better at getting therapy moving, increasing internal communication, and he's been thrust in front to handle therapy when John gets so triggered he can't remain. Has a higher and slightly hoarse-sounding voice. We originally felt he was twice his age due to his maturity. It seems he went to junior and/or senior high for us a lot.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sat Mar 16, 2019 4:36 am, edited 3 times in total.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

RE: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Aug 20, 2017 1:58 am

Bartholomew Oobleck 4, #58. Likes Dr. Seuss books, no surprise as he took his name from one. We've felt a connection to the name for a few years and when we got the second name about a month ago, we researched it online, so when we asked about the name inside tonight and he suddenly switched in, we knew who it was. We immediately got the sense he was shielding the face and body from the mother's unprovoked slapping, as if it were moments before he appeared.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:19 pm

Orval 11, #59. May be younger but arrived young, age 4 or so? Seems connected to a very nasty SA from father, possibly a pedo circle, similar to Andre, but late at night. Like Casper, may be part of what's keeping us awake at night. Shook his head no when we tried to get more information about who he was but we'll work with and help him.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Oct 13, 2017 4:06 am

Seamus ~6, #60. We heard the name and had a description in June but unlike for every other alter, we didn't pursue it further. He is with us due to some nasty SA but we first sensed he might be just an alter who made us gorge occasionally when we feared we might be starving, as when we dieted too severely. We remember being sent to bed once without dinner but we now know he was associated with more than this one incident.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Oct 31, 2017 4:24 am

Hoyt ~15, #61. One of our guys who fronts and fills some of our free time in the evening or on weekends, reading, doing computer stuff or other activities. He seems to be one of our country boys, an alter with an affinity for the simple life, farms, nature.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: Summary of who we are

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Nov 10, 2017 7:24 pm

Unknown number of "cards", around age 13. A dozen or fewer unnamed (?) alters spend time, like Hoyt, in the body in evenings or on weekends, doing all sorts of things. John has always thought all this activity was just himself, even when he watched and was bored or frustrated with what the body was doing. (More of us on next page of comments.)
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Wed Dec 19, 2018 1:07 am, edited 6 times in total.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn


Forum rules
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 3290
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]