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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Someone doesn't want to tear a hole in the fabric of my reality

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Sep 07, 2014 3:17 am

I hear these words when I began wondering and asking in therapy whether I am just a shell or a weak, depleted host and one or more others take over for me regularly and I just can't distinguish them from me. I've been worried about this for the past several months. That there might be another part of me who is large and does most of the interacting for me in the world. I very often feel "on" and sometimes will step back and marvel at how well I'm handling a situation -- while I'm handling the situation.

I've had an uneasy feeling about the ownership of some of my work and social skills. I know they exist, I rely on them. They're automatic and feel like me, mostly. But then, so did my ability to coldly detach from people feel like me. I experienced this detaching many times, finally a couple months ago distinguishing Faolan, a teenage alter whose job it was to do that for me. He felt like me too, mostly, yet there was an alter in plain view, completely hidden from me as an alter. I was totally alert, no fogginess.

I've watched myself in the midst of going through the motions of my life and wondered who's driving it all. Not for long periods as when an alter is out doing their thing and I, the host, am watching. Sometimes during intense interactions, positive or negative, where I simultaneously marvel at my performance or feel completely detached from it all. If I myself can separate from it while it's happening to observe, even briefly, who's keeping the ball rolling and staying present?

The description in some literature of a depleted host being supported by more skilled alters has worried me. Has there been one or more effective alters I've been relying on and I just don't realize it? Is it a form of depersonalization?

Why aren't they willing to explain what our reality is? What does tearing a hole in the fabric of my reality even mean? If I'm a shell, okay, I'm still one of many alters of our one mind. I can deal with me being a weakling or something, I've often felt like one. I didn't like the idea at first but let's give credit to whom it's due. I know I'm still the effective parts too, we're all just dissociated and don't feel like we're the same person, but the reality is still that we are the same person.

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
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Re: Someone doesn't want to tear a hole in the fabric of my reality

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:29 pm

Slowly, over the next couple months, the differences become more obvious, or rather, we learn how to discern them better. In November, we realize that we are not one but at least two "hosts." In March 2015, we discover what we thought before this post was just one of us is actually at least three separate alters, maybe more. We're just so used to functioning together cooperatively and smoothly, we accepted all our everyday life reactions as one self.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Johnny-Jack
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