I hear these words when I began wondering and asking in therapy whether I am just a shell or a weak, depleted host and one or more others take over for me regularly and I just can't distinguish them from me. I've been worried about this for the past several months. That there might be another part of me who is large and does most of the interacting for me in the world. I very often feel "on" and sometimes will step back and marvel at how well I'm handling a situation -- while I'm handling the situation.

I've had an uneasy feeling about the ownership of some of my work and social skills. I know they exist, I rely on them. They're automatic and feel like me, mostly. But then, so did my ability to coldly detach from people feel like me. I experienced this detaching many times, finally a couple months ago distinguishing Faolan, a teenage alter whose job it was to do that for me. He felt like me too, mostly, yet there was an alter in plain view, completely hidden from me as an alter. I was totally alert, no fogginess.

I've watched myself in the midst of going through the motions of my life and wondered who's driving it all. Not for long periods as when an alter is out doing their thing and I, the host, am watching. Sometimes during intense interactions, positive or negative, where I simultaneously marvel at my performance or feel completely detached from it all. If I myself can separate from it while it's happening to observe, even briefly, who's keeping the ball rolling and staying present?

The description in some literature of a depleted host being supported by more skilled alters has worried me. Has there been one or more effective alters I've been relying on and I just don't realize it? Is it a form of depersonalization?

Why aren't they willing to explain what our reality is? What does tearing a hole in the fabric of my reality even mean? If I'm a shell, okay, I'm still one of many alters of our one mind. I can deal with me being a weakling or something, I've often felt like one. I didn't like the idea at first but let's give credit to whom it's due. I know I'm still the effective parts too, we're all just dissociated and don't feel like we're the same person, but the reality is still that we are the same person.

Slowly, over the next couple months, the differences become more obvious, or rather, we learn how to discern them better. In November, we realize that we are not one but at least two "hosts." In March 2015, we discover what we thought before this post was just one of us is actually at least three separate alters, maybe more. We're just so used to functioning together cooperatively and smoothly, we accepted all our everyday life reactions as one self.