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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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Someone doesn't want to tear a hole in the fabric of my reality

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Sep 07, 2014 3:17 am

I hear these words when I began wondering and asking in therapy whether I am just a shell or a weak, depleted host and one or more others take over for me regularly and I just can't distinguish them from me. I've been worried about this for the past several months. That there might be another part of me who is large and does most of the interacting for me in the world. I very often feel "on" and sometimes will step back and marvel at how well I'm handling a situation -- while I'm handling the situation.

I've had an uneasy feeling about the ownership of some of my work and social skills. I know they exist, I rely on them. They're automatic and feel like me, mostly. But then, so did my ability to coldly detach from people feel like me. I experienced this detaching many times, finally a couple months ago distinguishing Faolan, a teenage alter whose job it was to do that for me. He felt like me too, mostly, yet there was an alter in plain view, completely hidden from me as an alter. I was totally alert, no fogginess.

I've watched myself in the midst of going through the motions of my life and wondered who's driving it all. Not for long periods as when an alter is out doing their thing and I, the host, am watching. Sometimes during intense interactions, positive or negative, where I simultaneously marvel at my performance or feel completely detached from it all. If I myself can separate from it while it's happening to observe, even briefly, who's keeping the ball rolling and staying present?

The description in some literature of a depleted host being supported by more skilled alters has worried me. Has there been one or more effective alters I've been relying on and I just don't realize it? Is it a form of depersonalization?

Why aren't they willing to explain what our reality is? What does tearing a hole in the fabric of my reality even mean? If I'm a shell, okay, I'm still one of many alters of our one mind. I can deal with me being a weakling or something, I've often felt like one. I didn't like the idea at first but let's give credit to whom it's due. I know I'm still the effective parts too, we're all just dissociated and don't feel like we're the same person, but the reality is still that we are the same person.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Someone doesn't want to tear a hole in the fabric of my reality

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Apr 03, 2015 6:29 pm

Slowly, over the next couple months, the differences become more obvious, or rather, we learn how to discern them better. In November, we realize that we are not one but at least two "hosts." In March 2015, we discover what we thought before this post was just one of us is actually at least three separate alters, maybe more. We're just so used to functioning together cooperatively and smoothly, we accepted all our everyday life reactions as one self.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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