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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Johnny-Jack
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Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:09 am

Discovered just 3 weeks ago on the way to therapy. Not long ago we had labeled almost jokingly what who we are when we're most effective at work as "work guy." I had always wished I had a work alter, someone who could just switch out and do all the boring things that might trigger me and do them willingly and well.

A friend of mine who knew nothing about my DID once jokingly said she wished she were multiple so she could relax while somebody else did the work. A work alter, one who does difficult or unpleasant tasks effectively and without argument, would be anyone's desire. Alas, it is not quite that easy in some cases although we're working on it.

When we started distinguishing the negative internal observations about co-host John's overly emotional, fatalistic thinking and hear about the same time critical comments about the amount of time and energy wasted by other co-host Johnny's socializing and nurturing collegial relationships at work, it seemed clear someone other than John or Johnny would be having these thoughts. And they were from a much less warm place than John and Johnny are used to. None of the three of us knew there were three of us. Unlike with the others we can actually hear each others thoughts--mostly.

Until a few months ago, we all saw each of us as the same. Rather, we went along in life noticing differences but didn't identify these as separate alters since we're all adults. It's easy to distinguish a child or teen alter, or onewho talks slightly differently or carries the body differently.

He didn't have a name and unlike virtuallu everyone else he wasn't looking for one. "Work guy" was perfectly adequate and descriptive. It was precise, clear. But others, particularly some littles, wouldn't stand for any of us without their own name so the name Ryder was just there.

He's masculine in his thinking, just wants to keep interruptions to a minimum so he can focus, nose to the grindstone, and work through the task at hand. Anything taking mental focus and concentration: designinga process, analyzing component parts of a system to look for inefficiencies. Emotions ad concerns about someone might feel about changes he's envisioning don't belong and if they begin to rise in the mind, he has to squelch them or vacate.

Interruptions must be brief and his responses to those interrupting us are mechanical. He's the opposite to Johnny who'll chat warmly with anyone for any reason of he's out. But he's also the opposite to John who thinks through the ramifications of how people will feel or whether all the effort is worth it in the end.

Ryder feels callous though he bears no one any ill will. He prefers not to dwell in the human realm beyond taking human needs into account so a process can be improved realistically. We need him but we have to figure out how John and Johnny get out of the way, way out of tye way, so he can work unencumbered by us.

We are too often triggered, paralyzed by lists, planning, forms, and other aspects of paperwork. We didn't know he actually likes organizational, legal, or official work IF my penchat for being triggered can be turned off somehow. The trauma about paperwork is held by young Kent but John is host and he's the one swamped by the triggered terror. We'll have to figure out how to help work guy, Ryder, do what he does best. We need his skills desperately.

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:05 am

Ryder views himself as the work guy, kind of supplementary to what the other hosts do for the life and I recently learned how he picked his name. He took it from the word rider, which is defined as "an additional provision attached to a bill or contract." It's as if he named himself Amendment or Codicil.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Mar 02, 2019 2:24 am

We have been working hard in therapy lately to give Ryder some time to do some back taxes for money we're owed. We have huge, huge triggers in the way so we're trying to work them out. Ryder has amazing drive but only when there's no angst inside. Alone, he's unable to fight it so he can focus. We know we most need to help Kent and we're having some success in therapy, largely by using EMDR in session.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Jul 18, 2019 4:21 am

We had a sense today in therapy of Ryder's moment of origin. It's a moment we recall during our first "adult" job we had, age 23. It was an entry-level administrative job at IBM. The job was really important to some of us, especially Jonathan. The boss of our department was a rarity at the young of 23 too. We were getting uneasy at the backlog of stuff we needed to get to, which showed up in the form of a physical "IN" box on our desk. One day our manager called us on it. He was kind and supportive but also firm: I needed to work through it and not let it happen again.

Paperwork was and remains a challenge for us due to abuse that involved a table with stacks of papers.

Ryder came for us at age 23 so we would have someone who could experience the satisfaction of taking care of business while shielded from those who were triggered. This is why we consider him kind of a host. He's trauma-phobic and can work on stuff the rest of us can't, with a very clear, calm mind. He's been critical to our career success and it will be nice someday to share those skills elsewhere in our system.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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