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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Apr 02, 2015 3:09 am

Discovered just 3 weeks ago on the way to therapy. Not long ago we had labeled almost jokingly what who we are when we're most effective at work as "work guy." I had always wished I had a work alter, someone who could just switch out and do all the boring things that might trigger me and do them willingly and well.

A friend of mine who knew nothing about my DID once jokingly said she wished she were multiple so she could relax while somebody else did the work. A work alter, one who does difficult or unpleasant tasks effectively and without argument, would be anyone's desire. Alas, it is not quite that easy in some cases although we're working on it.

When we started distinguishing the negative internal observations about co-host John's overly emotional, fatalistic thinking and hear about the same time critical comments about the amount of time and energy wasted by other co-host Johnny's socializing and nurturing collegial relationships at work, it seemed clear someone other than John or Johnny would be having these thoughts. And they were from a much less warm place than John and Johnny are used to. None of the three of us knew there were three of us. Unlike with the others we can actually hear each others thoughts--mostly.

Until a few months ago, we all saw each of us as the same. Rather, we went along in life noticing differences but didn't identify these as separate alters since we're all adults. It's easy to distinguish a child or teen alter, or onewho talks slightly differently or carries the body differently.

He didn't have a name and unlike virtuallu everyone else he wasn't looking for one. "Work guy" was perfectly adequate and descriptive. It was precise, clear. But others, particularly some littles, wouldn't stand for any of us without their own name so the name Ryder was just there.

He's masculine in his thinking, just wants to keep interruptions to a minimum so he can focus, nose to the grindstone, and work through the task at hand. Anything taking mental focus and concentration: designinga process, analyzing component parts of a system to look for inefficiencies. Emotions ad concerns about someone might feel about changes he's envisioning don't belong and if they begin to rise in the mind, he has to squelch them or vacate.

Interruptions must be brief and his responses to those interrupting us are mechanical. He's the opposite to Johnny who'll chat warmly with anyone for any reason of he's out. But he's also the opposite to John who thinks through the ramifications of how people will feel or whether all the effort is worth it in the end.

Ryder feels callous though he bears no one any ill will. He prefers not to dwell in the human realm beyond taking human needs into account so a process can be improved realistically. We need him but we have to figure out how John and Johnny get out of the way, way out of tye way, so he can work unencumbered by us.

We are too often triggered, paralyzed by lists, planning, forms, and other aspects of paperwork. We didn't know he actually likes organizational, legal, or official work IF my penchat for being triggered can be turned off somehow. The trauma about paperwork is held by young Kent but John is host and he's the one swamped by the triggered terror. We'll have to figure out how to help work guy, Ryder, do what he does best. We need his skills desperately.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:05 am

Ryder views himself as the work guy, kind of supplementary to what the other hosts do for the life and I recently learned how he picked his name. He took it from the word rider, which is defined as "an additional provision attached to a bill or contract." It's as if he named himself Amendment or Codicil.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Ryder, age 40. Alter #34

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Mar 02, 2019 2:24 am

We have been working hard in therapy lately to give Ryder some time to do some back taxes for money we're owed. We have huge, huge triggers in the way so we're trying to work them out. Ryder has amazing drive but only when there's no angst inside. Alone, he's unable to fight it so he can focus. We know we most need to help Kent and we're having some success in therapy, largely by using EMDR in session.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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