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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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programming: how my abuser silenced me

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

I've known for a couple years that members of my system experienced deliberate programming of some kind from the father. We identified a few alters who dealt with his attempt to threaten us into silence. We've only gotten a few more clues or impressions here and there but this week we started focusing on it, more or less accidentally. We were actually starting to work with Xavi (hah-vee) who we know has played a major role in is losing focus when we're trying to remember something that was related to the abuse.

This week he was with in therapy when suddenly it was like someone smashed through a door to scare the crap out of us, to threaten us. We knew it was either an unknown introject of the father or someone dedicated by habit to stopping our inquiry. So we were working with Xavi, but now we'll be working with Abraham, whom we haven't met yet and maybe others, Sky and Vince, who have visited us briefly.

When we were 8, I feel the father started worrying that we might tell someone and he wanted to make sure we didn't. He had been an FBI agent before we were born so he had plenty of mind control techniques, some of which he told us about when he was being "normal dad." But he probably didn't need to try anything too fancy. I was a child and easily threatened.

We're about to dig into this and we're aware there may be self-harm programming. But it won't work anymore because we're prepared and won't rush.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Mick/Mxyzptlk, Hoyt, Cully, Cam, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. twins Hansel & Johann, Bartholomew, Casper, Raisin Annie, Scott, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, 1. Zeb, Adam <1
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Re: programming: how my abuser silenced me

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:41 pm

As we delve into this further using EMDR in therapy, we're finding that the father needed to "blab" to us before, during or even separately from abuse. He would tell us things he did at work (he was a lawyer) that were unethical or something. He would say aloud the perverse thoughts he had about sexual abuse. Basically he seemed compelled to "confess" to someone but also to normalize it, to explain it away as things everybody thought or did.

Based on our memories, he almost certainly had DID himself, suggesting that some alters told us things that other alters knew were a danger to him. His son had heard things, from one or more of him, that could put him in danger if we ever told outside people. So he created a mess and needed to control it by making sure we didn't talk.

I had added some very condemnatory memories here but somebody inside (maybe more than one?) was so upset with it, I erased it. Just hinting at what we aren't including is all I can do right now.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Mick/Mxyzptlk, Hoyt, Cully, Cam, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. twins Hansel & Johann, Bartholomew, Casper, Raisin Annie, Scott, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, 1. Zeb, Adam <1
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