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Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am ]
Blog Subject:  programming: how my abuser silenced me

I've known for a couple years that members of my system experienced deliberate programming of some kind from the father. We identified a few alters who dealt with his attempt to threaten us into silence. We've only gotten a few more clues or impressions here and there but this week we started focusing on it, more or less accidentally. We were actually starting to work with Xavi (hah-vee) who we know has played a major role in is losing focus when we're trying to remember something that was related to the abuse.

This week he was with in therapy when suddenly it was like someone smashed through a door to scare the crap out of us, to threaten us. We knew it was either an unknown introject of the father or someone dedicated by habit to stopping our inquiry. So we were working with Xavi, but now we'll be working with Abraham, whom we haven't met yet and maybe others, Sky and Vince, who have visited us briefly.

When we were 8, I feel the father started worrying that we might tell someone and he wanted to make sure we didn't. He had been an FBI agent before we were born so he had plenty of mind control techniques, some of which he told us about when he was being "normal dad." But he probably didn't need to try anything too fancy. I was a child and easily threatened.

We're about to dig into this and we're aware there may be self-harm programming. But it won't work anymore because we're prepared and won't rush.



Comments

Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:41 pm ]

As we delve into this further using EMDR in therapy, we're finding that the father needed to "blab" to us before, during or even separately from abuse. He would tell us things he did at work (he was a lawyer) that were unethical or something. He would say aloud the perverse thoughts he had about sexual abuse. Basically he seemed compelled to "confess" to someone but also to normalize it, to explain it away as things everybody thought or did.

Based on our memories, he almost certainly had DID himself, suggesting that some alters told us things that other alters knew were a danger to him. His son had heard things, from one or more of him, that could put him in danger if we ever told outside people. So he created a mess and needed to control it by making sure we didn't talk.

I had added some very condemnatory memories here but somebody inside (maybe more than one?) was so upset with it, I erased it. Just hinting at what we aren't including is all I can do right now.

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