Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3239
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)
Archives
- March 2020
how we avoided an internal war
   Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:44 am

+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ September 2019
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

programming: how my abuser silenced me

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

I've known for a couple years that members of my system experienced deliberate programming of some kind from the father. We identified a few alters who dealt with his attempt to threaten us into silence. We've only gotten a few more clues or impressions here and there but this week we started focusing on it, more or less accidentally. We were actually starting to work with Xavi (hah-vee) who we know has played a major role in is losing focus when we're trying to remember something that was related to the abuse.

This week he was with in therapy when suddenly it was like someone smashed through a door to scare the crap out of us, to threaten us. We knew it was either an unknown introject of the father or someone dedicated by habit to stopping our inquiry. So we were working with Xavi, but now we'll be working with Abraham, whom we haven't met yet and maybe others, Sky and Vince, who have visited us briefly.

When we were 8, I feel the father started worrying that we might tell someone and he wanted to make sure we didn't. He had been an FBI agent before we were born so he had plenty of mind control techniques, some of which he told us about when he was being "normal dad." But he probably didn't need to try anything too fancy. I was a child and easily threatened.

We're about to dig into this and we're aware there may be self-harm programming. But it won't work anymore because we're prepared and won't rush.

Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
1 Comment Viewed 22801 times
Comments

Re: programming: how my abuser silenced me

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Nov 08, 2018 3:41 pm

As we delve into this further using EMDR in therapy, we're finding that the father needed to "blab" to us before, during or even separately from abuse. He would tell us things he did at work (he was a lawyer) that were unethical or something. He would say aloud the perverse thoughts he had about sexual abuse. Basically he seemed compelled to "confess" to someone but also to normalize it, to explain it away as things everybody thought or did.

Based on our memories, he almost certainly had DID himself, suggesting that some alters told us things that other alters knew were a danger to him. His son had heard things, from one or more of him, that could put him in danger if we ever told outside people. So he created a mess and needed to control it by making sure we didn't talk.

I had added some very condemnatory memories here but somebody inside (maybe more than one?) was so upset with it, I erased it. Just hinting at what we aren't including is all I can do right now.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3239
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Who is online

Registered users: abc123fly, Bing [Bot], ClaudeThith, Flavio, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], Martakife, Tyler, Wally58, Yvygkik