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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
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post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:43 pm

I've had a lot of cases where I feel pretty sure there may be an alter I don't know about and I write down the details. Often it starts with the vaguest sense of another someone and I quickly get a name. Like it just pops into my head or I start hearing a bunch of sounds like the name. When I get a focus on the name, an ownership of it, discovering a new alter may happen shortly after. Other times I'll go looking for someone new based on a behavior I realize is odd or could indicate an alter.

Some of us have been really difficult to distinguish from known alters. Me, John, the one of us who does many if not most of our posts, wasn't even aware I was a distinct alter from our primary social/work host Johnny. I myself didn't seem to know about me (at least as an independent alter) until a couple years ago!

Given that many of us been co-conscious with each other for probably decades if not always, how were we supposed to know that we had DID and that we technically weren't the same person (okay, technically we ARE the same person). Yes, I can see it very plainly in hindsight and there are clues all over my journaling and from prior posts here. For example, alters kept referring to "John" but we didn't have anyone named that specifically, we just figured they meant Johnny or the collective body, since the birth name is John. We still don't know if they were referring to me per se.

I would for years watch myself pull off social feats that I myself couldn't imagine doing. I would watch and think thoughts like "how am I doing this, chatting so comfortably and fluidly in this situation?" while Johnny just kept going. I was present, I was watching, it was absolutely normal for me to do that. We had no idea about the DID. How were we supposed to figure it out? We just swapped places as necessary and our memory of each other's escapades weren't as crisp as other memories (of our own escapades) but there was no black out, no amnesia between us.

On Ryder's part, there were thoughts along the lines of "why am I being so smarmy, so warm to this person who I couldn't care less about?" when Johnny or I were out. He wasn't sitting there thinking "well, I'm a different alter, that's why." Dissociative Identify Disorder doesn't work like that for many if not most people.

So back to the point of this blog entry. We have a sense there may be a Hoyt or a Coit who keeps us busy at night and on weekends but not with things we need to get done. He seems like one of the country boys in our system but we might only see that if he fronts entirely on his own. From my POV, he wastes time but he certainly seems chill. We laid this all on Mick but it's possible Mick does more compulsively repetitive things in times of higher anxiety? We just don't know. If he's here, he may be an adult somewhere in his 30s? What if he's not an alter, why do I sense even this much?

Jeez, there's another sensed alter but for the life of me I can't recall either the name or a reason for being in our system. Something about eating or sleeping maybe? I think I'll add to this blog entry by posting replies, much as our blog post "Summary of who we are" lists everyone we knew about in Dec 2016 but adds a new for everyone we've discovered since.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Oct 27, 2017 3:48 am

Yep, Hoyt is here, definitely. We found out more via EMDR in therapy today. He and others (?) share the body at night, though everyone feels like it's just "me" whoever that is. Identity confusion in DID can be absolutely crazy-making if you don't just go with the flow. It's not just confusion about which alter is fronting in the body at any moment, though trying to figure that out can be frustrating, there is an additional layer of thoughts like, am I me, if so who is me and who is asking that, am I real, am I a person, am I awake, am I really here, ad nauseum.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Oct 27, 2017 11:31 pm

Maybe there's a Glen too.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Oct 30, 2017 7:39 am

I don't understand what's going on. I am still awake at 3:34am and I have to work tomorrow. I should have slept hours ago. It feels like it's me who's kept us awake. But there's a feeling of rebellion too, against the rules, against adult stuff like going to work. The gist of what we're focusing on is the bad behavior or staying up too late and wasting time rather than being responsible. So who's rebelling if not me? Am I the juvenile? OMG, maybe it's me. But how, when I'm also a parent? Figuring out what's going on is impossible.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Nov 23, 2017 5:51 pm

Maybe 10 days ago we discovered in therapy that in addition to Hoyt, there are 7 "card" alters, card being the metaphor they used for how they riffle among each other to front. No idea how that works! They're all age 13.

The name Glen we heard internally was actually Flynn, and the others are Cam (Campbell), Cully, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, and Will. This group of names, along with Hoyt, sounds vaguely country to me, even hillbilly. They seemed to have filled the emotional or spiritual vacancy created when Jack, a hillbilly, went inside at age 10. We grew up in a small Midwestern town but spent plenty of time on farms.

These guys all love nature and being in the country. We now have waves of wanting to walk in a woody park. Really, to hike in the wilderness, but we happen to live in a very urban area so a park is more doable. I don't know how they differ from one another but I'm sensing they each have distinct personalities. This group of "cards" is a very different DID phenomenon than we've encountered before.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sat Nov 25, 2017 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Dec 02, 2017 2:24 am

Wow, so much of the time we spend in life is as teenagers or at the very least melded with or heavily influenced by teenagers. Specifically a bunch of 13-year-olds! OMG, 13 was a long time ago, so young, I'm middle-aged.

This is so frustrating. And embarrassing. I can't not accept it, this is who we are, who I am as a bunch of dissociated parts. It explains so much and is completely consistent with the sense I've had about things for decades. That there was a lot of internal juvenile rebelliousness that I can't control and it's mostly in the evening. I wouldn't want to deny knowing this now that I do. It's helping to know.

But why did it take so long to figure this out? Where is the secret book describing my whole inner mental system? These country boys, our 7 "cards," Hoyt and probably Mick too all being us or controlling us for a lot of our waking hours.

DID is just the weirdest condition ever. It really is. I shock myself.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:06 pm

We had a breakthrough in understanding as to why these all these guys are here -- the seven, plus maybe Hoyt, perhaps even others as yet unknown. The reason wasn't just confusion as we moved toward our teenage years, it was much worse and overwhelmingly disturbing to me as an adult now. My blog post "knowledge I absolutely don't want but so what" covers it but I can't even go into any detail, partly because I don't know it all yet, partly because it's too awful to record.

I want to reach out and comfort them or whoever actually holds the memories but I can barely hold it in my own consciousness yet.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Jan 25, 2018 7:59 pm

It "feels like" there are two more alters hidden behind the seven "cards." I can almost just guess at that because of the image I have of them as standing in a row, with arms interlocked, as if barring others. My vaguest sense is of someone behind these seven and then that someone preventing access to another someone, who, presumably, holds the horrible knowledge. This seems very hypothetical but not quite as iffy as a pure guess. I suppose time will reveal what's accurate.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sat Jan 27, 2018 12:35 pm

Alts can be darn cagey about knowledge they have, or claim to know of, can't they? Mine are.
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Feb 09, 2018 4:43 am

Yeah, it's frustrating when it feels like the knowledge is certainly there but we can't get to it. In our system though, it feels more like some alters can't tell us. It's not like we're all actual separate people, though it's felt like that, more in the past than currently.

The silence seems to come from the trauma, like some stuff is so bad they just don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it. Many of us exist in a sort of fog or torpor, floating around with numbed pain. Others are here specifically to keep us from focusing on stuff or remembering -- and they don't necessarily know what they're protecting anybody from. This group has layers to help keep the information less accessible. Huge mental and emotional resources have gone into keeping us from knowing. For a very good reason.

What we identified as "cards" have turned out to be modeled on an American football team, with 9 or 10 of the normal eleven players accounted for. This is really strange, yet totally makes sense. We started taking a greater interest in football, learning more about how it worked, around the age that they came. The 7 "cards" are the guys on the line of scrimmage, who provide a strong barrier against accessing those in the backfield, who experienced or are more aware of this specific complex abuse.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Jun 03, 2018 4:34 am

The image of two others behind the line of 7 alters was correct. Hoyt has been in the body before so we have a sense of him. Gordon guards the line from access to Pehr, who holds the actual trauma. Eberly fronted last Thursday during therapy and told us that Pehr is dead. As in, he is an alter who is not living. We've had and have other not-alive alters and they're each "dead" in their own way.

In DID, dead doesn't usually (or possibly, ever) mean unable to be brought back to life.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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