Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3258
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)
Archives
- March 2020
how we avoided an internal war
   Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:44 am

+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ September 2019
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:43 pm

I've had a lot of cases where I feel pretty sure there may be an alter I don't know about and I write down the details. Often it starts with the vaguest sense of another someone and I quickly get a name. Like it just pops into my head or I start hearing a bunch of sounds like the name. When I get a focus on the name, an ownership of it, discovering a new alter may happen shortly after. Other times I'll go looking for someone new based on a behavior I realize is odd or could indicate an alter.

Some of us have been really difficult to distinguish from known alters. Me, John, the one of us who does many if not most of our posts, wasn't even aware I was a distinct alter from our primary social/work host Johnny. I myself didn't seem to know about me (at least as an independent alter) until a couple years ago!

Given that many of us been co-conscious with each other for probably decades if not always, how were we supposed to know that we had DID and that we technically weren't the same person (okay, technically we ARE the same person). Yes, I can see it very plainly in hindsight and there are clues all over my journaling and from prior posts here. For example, alters kept referring to "John" but we didn't have anyone named that specifically, we just figured they meant Johnny or the collective body, since the birth name is John. We still don't know if they were referring to me per se.

I would for years watch myself pull off social feats that I myself couldn't imagine doing. I would watch and think thoughts like "how am I doing this, chatting so comfortably and fluidly in this situation?" while Johnny just kept going. I was present, I was watching, it was absolutely normal for me to do that. We had no idea about the DID. How were we supposed to figure it out? We just swapped places as necessary and our memory of each other's escapades weren't as crisp as other memories (of our own escapades) but there was no black out, no amnesia between us.

On Ryder's part, there were thoughts along the lines of "why am I being so smarmy, so warm to this person who I couldn't care less about?" when Johnny or I were out. He wasn't sitting there thinking "well, I'm a different alter, that's why." Dissociative Identify Disorder doesn't work like that for many if not most people.

So back to the point of this blog entry. We have a sense there may be a Hoyt or a Coit who keeps us busy at night and on weekends but not with things we need to get done. He seems like one of the country boys in our system but we might only see that if he fronts entirely on his own. From my POV, he wastes time but he certainly seems chill. We laid this all on Mick but it's possible Mick does more compulsively repetitive things in times of higher anxiety? We just don't know. If he's here, he may be an adult somewhere in his 30s? What if he's not an alter, why do I sense even this much?

Jeez, there's another sensed alter but for the life of me I can't recall either the name or a reason for being in our system. Something about eating or sleeping maybe? I think I'll add to this blog entry by posting replies, much as our blog post "Summary of who we are" lists everyone we knew about in Dec 2016 but adds a new for everyone we've discovered since.

Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
13 Comments Viewed 45715 times
Comments
Previous

Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Jul 21, 2018 12:37 am

This team forms a subsystem of sorts, the first we've encountered. This seems to explain why we don't have a direct awareness of those in the subsystem as individuals. We know who they are, their names, but have no sense of their interests or other characteristics. We're trying to establish a link with the subsystem by having Brody (outside subsystem) communicate with Hoyt (inside it).
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3258
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby GraceLilly on Tue Nov 27, 2018 11:57 am

How is Pher now? Any change?
GraceLilly
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Jul 03, 2017 2:53 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: post about possible new alters

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:06 pm

We know more about how this group of alters is related and structured. It had seemed that they were more or less equal, that we swapped among them as one got bored or triggered. We're aware now that they are arranged in sort of a staircase, leading downwards towards the darkness of the abuse they came to deal with. So Hoyt is at the entrance to the stairs, to continue the metaphor, Flynn may be next, then Eberly, Cam, and Cully. Not positive about the order but there seems to be an order. After the others, at the bottom is Pehr, an alter who died long ago (chose death?) due to the betrayal, pain, chaos and shame.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3258
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], DistortedOne, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, IainEtc, Majestic-12 [Bot], NewSunRising, Snaga