Psychology and Mental Health Forum

Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Mon Mar 18, 2013 5:02 pm ]
Blog Subject:  OMG life is stressful

Dang, the life is stressful lately, too much happening at once, too much pressure at work and elsewhere to be high functioning when I'm just not. My suicidal thoughts aren't helping but then again they're associated with the stress. I've had suicidal thoughts for so many years such ruminations are virtually automatic. Now I know I'm multiple and have had some truly awful memories return to fill in the always inexplicable gaps, at least my life makes more sense. So despair due to endless confusion and unanswered questions is way down. Things that I used to end up attributing to a weak character or sub-par abilities are now clear results of childhood physical and sexual abuse, beginning, as far as my memory indicates, at or soon after birth. Now the sadness over what actually happened in my once 'idyllic' childhood leads me right back to depression but of a different ilk. This depression, of having had my life wrecked by those who should have cared for me, feels based on reality more than on things I just don't understand. All too sadly, I do understand my problems and limitations. The fact that I never deserved any of this, and I can say this justifiably from having met so many young and innocent parts of me, is just devastating emotionally. The fact that none of us ever became monsters or abusers might but doesn't offer any real consolation. But as many of us say here, it is what it is.

It's a major problem that my most effective adult alter, Jonathan, the one most capable of driving the life if I were to collapse or something, is equally suicidal, though in a different way. He would probably never be the one to take the life but he really doesn't want to participate when it comes right down to it. He gave up on me and us a couple decades ago. He didn't understand everything then, none of us did, but that decision wasted a huge chunk of time in our life and his guilt about that has never helped. We really need to forgive ourselves for that, don't we? No one of us has ever attempted suicide, except for a brief belt-around-the-neck or smash-head-into-wall sort of thing. Every time I think of killing us, particularly when it's really thought out and graphic (a gun, hanging), if a little is out or nearby, they get terrified that someone is going to hurt them, almost exactly the way they did in fear of their abusers. No surprise there. Then I feel like a complete jerk, especially when they're in the body just doing their thing, playing as innocent children do. My mind spins from contemplating all this.

I'm afraid what would happen if I made a serious suicide attempt. The gatekeeper might disable or quarantine me, something he's never done, if that's even possible, which I doubt, and install someone else as host, but whom? The two other adults, Marc and Aaron, don't have anywhere near enough actual experience to pull off the career or the life or "being John." Aaron would be a possible fit temperamentally but we've found he has to access the memory for almost every thought or piece of knowledge that isn't just him being himself. This causes an odd delay in his thinking and speaking, though this might improve with time. Before I was at all convinced I had DID, I accidentally created him as an alter by imagining a stable guy whom we might have been, then had this guy "step into the body" and walk a bit. That's all I remember of how Aaron came. As an alter, he's paper thin but he would fill out more with more time in the body. I'm not sure if that's wise or not but as long as we're stuck having DID, we could probably use another capable adult. He was and is just a regular intelligent guy so he isn't traumatized as far as I can tell. But his personality would seem pretty bland compared to mine so boy would that be noticed. I wish I could just force the DID away and we could become whole but that's like saying you wish you could force yourself to be a great pianist. Yeah, you can get there, but it takes time to build those skills when your life thus far never included any of that training.

Only Jonathan could really pull off hosting effectively in our current life and he's not me either. I need to get a grip but this is my/our reality. I have DID, with returning memories of horrific childhood abuse which continue to make me overwhelming sad for the little child I was (we were). Quato is fatalistic and cynical about our chances and there is virtually no possibility he could lead the life on his own, nor would I trust him to do that, and we both know why, Quato.

Dan and Jack are usually hopeful parts of us, though both have thought of suicide as well. Dan gets angry pretty easily (which I never do) and Jack is just too young to pull off adult responsibilities. Plus, their way of talking, Dan with his occasional bad grammar and Jack with his outrageous accent, would just never work in academia, which is where the current career lies. Jack can pretend to speak standard English rather than Appalachian but it's stilted and slow, almost every word seeming to be chosen with deliberation. Plus the accent can still leak through. It sounds preposterous and he could never pass for me. None of us could pass for me long term but some might get away with people saying "gee, Johnny just seems less xxx anymore, doesn't he, almost like he's a different person." Jack knows I'm not criticizing him. He talks the way he does because it's how he learned to speak from the people he chose to associate with, specifically a friend's grandfather. So even Jack's Appalachian is archaic-sounding because most people's language is consistent with people in their own age group and Jack's is consistent with a guy born as early as 1870. Millions of Americans speak the Appalachian dialect and even if the media has long portrayed Appalachian people as ignorant bigots, they're not, nor is Jack.

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