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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
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how we avoided an internal war
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No wonder we're here

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:10 am

What I journaled a couple years ago from automatic typing. What's strange is that it's me talking, me the host alter, but age 4. Apparently I didn't know about all the alters, and several hadn't arrived yet, but I knew about the group of four of us who worked together to deal with the father's new increased sexual abuse: me, the twins Hansel and Johann, and poor Quato. It makes me sad to think of this little confused child. This should never happen.

I hate my daddy he makes me do bad things. I can’t tell anybody because he will hurt me bad. He said so. He is a big man and i am little. I can’t say anything. Why does he hurt me? Daddies aren’t supposed to hurt their little boys. I want to go away. I want to take a trip but not with him. Myabe I can hide at aunt sallys but she will tell, i know her. [cousin] ann will tell. If mommy catching me crying she’ll hit me. I can’t tel her why I’m crying. She’ll call be a big baby and then she’ll hit me. [big sister] kate doesn’t believe me. She calls me a liar. why does everybody hate me. I try to be good. I help my little baby sister. They’re all so big. I can’t do anything. i have to go place like the basement to hide so i can cry. If she hears me, i’ll hurt. but my head hurts and I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I have to figure it out. There’s a magic door or something. Maybe a ship or a train or a plane can take me away. I can’t tell my friends because they think I’m strange with my extra people. You’re only supposed to have one, not three. I like them better than I like my friends because they’re nice to me. They help me. Why can’t anyone else help me? Where is grandma and other nice people? Where did they go? I want to go live with a stranger. Somebody nice and I’ll take [infant sister] beth with me. I don’t think we can run fast enough to get away from them. I don’t think we can hide. We’ll get cold and we’ll be hungry. If they find us I can tell them we have a different name. I can give them a different address. It would take too long to walk and we’re too slow. Beth is slow, very slow. I can run but she can’t or she’ll fall down. I want someone to put me in a box and put me in the ground. But I have to be dead first so I don’t need to breathe or I’ll be sick or something.

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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