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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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No wonder we're here

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:10 am

What I journaled a couple years ago from automatic typing. What's strange is that it's me talking, me the host alter, but age 4. Apparently I didn't know about all the alters, and several hadn't arrived yet, but I knew about the group of four of us who worked together to deal with the father's new increased sexual abuse: me, the twins Hansel and Johann, and poor Quato. It makes me sad to think of this little confused child. This should never happen.

I hate my daddy he makes me do bad things. I can’t tell anybody because he will hurt me bad. He said so. He is a big man and i am little. I can’t say anything. Why does he hurt me? Daddies aren’t supposed to hurt their little boys. I want to go away. I want to take a trip but not with him. Myabe I can hide at aunt sallys but she will tell, i know her. [cousin] ann will tell. If mommy catching me crying she’ll hit me. I can’t tel her why I’m crying. She’ll call be a big baby and then she’ll hit me. [big sister] kate doesn’t believe me. She calls me a liar. why does everybody hate me. I try to be good. I help my little baby sister. They’re all so big. I can’t do anything. i have to go place like the basement to hide so i can cry. If she hears me, i’ll hurt. but my head hurts and I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I have to figure it out. There’s a magic door or something. Maybe a ship or a train or a plane can take me away. I can’t tell my friends because they think I’m strange with my extra people. You’re only supposed to have one, not three. I like them better than I like my friends because they’re nice to me. They help me. Why can’t anyone else help me? Where is grandma and other nice people? Where did they go? I want to go live with a stranger. Somebody nice and I’ll take [infant sister] beth with me. I don’t think we can run fast enough to get away from them. I don’t think we can hide. We’ll get cold and we’ll be hungry. If they find us I can tell them we have a different name. I can give them a different address. It would take too long to walk and we’re too slow. Beth is slow, very slow. I can run but she can’t or she’ll fall down. I want someone to put me in a box and put me in the ground. But I have to be dead first so I don’t need to breathe or I’ll be sick or something.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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