Psychology and Mental Health Forum

Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Sun Oct 26, 2014 2:10 am ]
Blog Subject:  No wonder we're here

What I journaled a couple years ago from automatic typing. What's strange is that it's me talking, me the host alter, but age 4. Apparently I didn't know about all the alters, and several hadn't arrived yet, but I knew about the group of four of us who worked together to deal with the father's new increased sexual abuse: me, the twins Hansel and Johann, and poor Quato. It makes me sad to think of this little confused child. This should never happen.

I hate my daddy he makes me do bad things. I can’t tell anybody because he will hurt me bad. He said so. He is a big man and i am little. I can’t say anything. Why does he hurt me? Daddies aren’t supposed to hurt their little boys. I want to go away. I want to take a trip but not with him. Myabe I can hide at aunt sallys but she will tell, i know her. [cousin] ann will tell. If mommy catching me crying she’ll hit me. I can’t tel her why I’m crying. She’ll call be a big baby and then she’ll hit me. [big sister] kate doesn’t believe me. She calls me a liar. why does everybody hate me. I try to be good. I help my little baby sister. They’re all so big. I can’t do anything. i have to go place like the basement to hide so i can cry. If she hears me, i’ll hurt. but my head hurts and I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I have to figure it out. There’s a magic door or something. Maybe a ship or a train or a plane can take me away. I can’t tell my friends because they think I’m strange with my extra people. You’re only supposed to have one, not three. I like them better than I like my friends because they’re nice to me. They help me. Why can’t anyone else help me? Where is grandma and other nice people? Where did they go? I want to go live with a stranger. Somebody nice and I’ll take [infant sister] beth with me. I don’t think we can run fast enough to get away from them. I don’t think we can hide. We’ll get cold and we’ll be hungry. If they find us I can tell them we have a different name. I can give them a different address. It would take too long to walk and we’re too slow. Beth is slow, very slow. I can run but she can’t or she’ll fall down. I want someone to put me in a box and put me in the ground. But I have to be dead first so I don’t need to breathe or I’ll be sick or something.

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