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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Johnny-Jack
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New job, an accomodation, Partial disability

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:53 am

My memory is exceedingly poor for thing .i should recall. Even as good as I am at covering for no knowledge of something, I've had to tell my colleagues and now my boss I have a condition that makes my memory occasionally very poor. It becomes hard to focus and follow through. I know exactly what the right actions to take in my job, after all I've done a somewhat reduced version of it for years and have a good work reputation. As complex as my work is, I do know what to do. It's the remembering and the energy and the act of doing that is a challenge.

But I have to be honest and look at alternatives, because my memory may be getting worse. Today I had a bout of depersonalization at work. In therapy and with a friend. I openly question who I am. No question about my dissociative disorder, but am I the host alter I've considered myself to besince I accepted that I have DID? Beforethat, I just figured I was just me, confused, broken somehow, but me. But now I keep feeling it's someone else, another part of us, an alter, who is successfull in the socializing. Which would mean I am not and we always switch to him. Okay, but what do I do abouto the worsening performance at work. And I've just gotten some praise so am really getting worse? How would I know?

Do I find a new job that is simpler, easier to manage especially as I go through this expensive, intensive therapy? Do I ask my workplace to accommodate me with a 4-day per week schedule (granting me use of my many sick days?) For how long, a few months? What if it doesn't help at all? What if it does but isn't enough? Should I look at short-term disability or even long-term? What would I be capable of if I returned? What if my pay were slashed below what I could live on? I keep knowing what I really want is to be able to die. But not every moment of every day, it comes in waves. So is this the influence of an alter? If so, why, after over three years of knowing about this haven't I been able to distinguish him. Is he (or she) right here? If I didn't care about hurting a handful of people, if I didn't equate suicide for someone who is as aware of my self-destructive urges as temporary as cowardice, I would probably have done it already.

And I'm sick of my complaining about all this. Why don't we have an alter who will just shut up and do what's needed to be done? I actually think we might but it takes being engaged in the here and now with someone.

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
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