Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Blog
Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2669
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (40)
Archives
- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

New job, an accomodation, Partial disability

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:53 am

My memory is exceedingly poor for thing .i should recall. Even as good as I am at covering for no knowledge of something, I've had to tell my colleagues and now my boss I have a condition that makes my memory occasionally very poor. It becomes hard to focus and follow through. I know exactly what the right actions to take in my job, after all I've done a somewhat reduced version of it for years and have a good work reputation. As complex as my work is, I do know what to do. It's the remembering and the energy and the act of doing that is a challenge.

But I have to be honest and look at alternatives, because my memory may be getting worse. Today I had a bout of depersonalization at work. In therapy and with a friend. I openly question who I am. No question about my dissociative disorder, but am I the host alter I've considered myself to besince I accepted that I have DID? Beforethat, I just figured I was just me, confused, broken somehow, but me. But now I keep feeling it's someone else, another part of us, an alter, who is successfull in the socializing. Which would mean I am not and we always switch to him. Okay, but what do I do abouto the worsening performance at work. And I've just gotten some praise so am really getting worse? How would I know?

Do I find a new job that is simpler, easier to manage especially as I go through this expensive, intensive therapy? Do I ask my workplace to accommodate me with a 4-day per week schedule (granting me use of my many sick days?) For how long, a few months? What if it doesn't help at all? What if it does but isn't enough? Should I look at short-term disability or even long-term? What would I be capable of if I returned? What if my pay were slashed below what I could live on? I keep knowing what I really want is to be able to die. But not every moment of every day, it comes in waves. So is this the influence of an alter? If so, why, after over three years of knowing about this haven't I been able to distinguish him. Is he (or she) right here? If I didn't care about hurting a handful of people, if I didn't equate suicide for someone who is as aware of my self-destructive urges as temporary as cowardice, I would probably have done it already.

And I'm sick of my complaining about all this. Why don't we have an alter who will just shut up and do what's needed to be done? I actually think we might but it takes being engaged in the here and now with someone.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
0 Comments Viewed 7264 times

Who is online

Registered users: Baidu [Spider], bejolley2, Bing [Bot], birdsong87, Exabot [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, IainEtc, Majestic-12 [Bot], Parador, paulbet, reflex17, RottenFish, Tyler, VioletFlux, vix, WhyDoIExist