|Psychology and Mental Health Forum|
|Author:||Johnny-Jack [ Thu Sep 11, 2014 2:53 am ]|
|Blog Subject:||New job, an accomodation, Partial disability|
My memory is exceedingly poor for thing .i should recall. Even as good as I am at covering for no knowledge of something, I've had to tell my colleagues and now my boss I have a condition that makes my memory occasionally very poor. It becomes hard to focus and follow through. I know exactly what the right actions to take in my job, after all I've done a somewhat reduced version of it for years and have a good work reputation. As complex as my work is, I do know what to do. It's the remembering and the energy and the act of doing that is a challenge.
But I have to be honest and look at alternatives, because my memory may be getting worse. Today I had a bout of depersonalization at work. In therapy and with a friend. I openly question who I am. No question about my dissociative disorder, but am I the host alter I've considered myself to besince I accepted that I have DID? Beforethat, I just figured I was just me, confused, broken somehow, but me. But now I keep feeling it's someone else, another part of us, an alter, who is successfull in the socializing. Which would mean I am not and we always switch to him. Okay, but what do I do abouto the worsening performance at work. And I've just gotten some praise so am really getting worse? How would I know?
Do I find a new job that is simpler, easier to manage especially as I go through this expensive, intensive therapy? Do I ask my workplace to accommodate me with a 4-day per week schedule (granting me use of my many sick days?) For how long, a few months? What if it doesn't help at all? What if it does but isn't enough? Should I look at short-term disability or even long-term? What would I be capable of if I returned? What if my pay were slashed below what I could live on? I keep knowing what I really want is to be able to die. But not every moment of every day, it comes in waves. So is this the influence of an alter? If so, why, after over three years of knowing about this haven't I been able to distinguish him. Is he (or she) right here? If I didn't care about hurting a handful of people, if I didn't equate suicide for someone who is as aware of my self-destructive urges as temporary as cowardice, I would probably have done it already.
And I'm sick of my complaining about all this. Why don't we have an alter who will just shut up and do what's needed to be done? I actually think we might but it takes being engaged in the here and now with someone.
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