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Johnny-Jack's Blog
Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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my groupings

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Jan 11, 2017 5:56 am

Here is a list of groupings of our alters based on characteristics or similarities. Many grouping indicate a phenomenon or issue that was significant in our childhood. For instance, the dichotomy between high class and low class mirrors a preoccupation in the mother and grandmother.

Hosts: Johnny, John, Ryder (near host)
Former hosts: Adam, Carter, Max (?), Jonathan, Jack (near host)
Heavy influencers: Gwendolyn, Marc-Dominic, Mick/Mxyzptlk (?)
Females: Raisin Annie, Gwendolyn

Lost boys: Henry, Scott, Casper
Not quite human: Sphinx (android), Ulric (bogeyman), Ashar (wolfdog), Casper (ghost)
Dead: Ulric ("by choice"), Casper, Daniel (revived)

Morals/ethics (primary): Edward, Jack
Empathy: Carter, Gwendolyn, John
Attachment: Carter, Gwendolyn, John (mother), Jonathan (father), Luke (parents), Chase (grandmother)
Detaching (wolf-related): Ashar, Sky, Randy, Ulric, Faolan

High class/rich: Chase, Marc-Dominic, Jonathan
Low class: Jack, Daniel, Quato
English lads: Neville, Nigel, Ty, Chase
Country boys: Jack, Caleb, Hank, Luke
Tough guys: Daniel, Jack, Brody, Aaron, Quato
Holds anger: Kyle, Matt, Ulric, Daniel, others
Physically oriented: Daniel, Luke, Brody

Twins or associated: Hansel & Johann (+ Quato), John & Gwendolyn, Ulric & Wats, Sky & Vince
In another dimension: Zane, Abraham, Gwendolyn, Raisin Annie (formerly)

Social skills: Johnny, Jack, Luke, Daniel
Special system skill: Sphinx (identify alters), Max (see alters), John (send alters to front)
Special skill: Quato (lying), Ryder (focused work), Mick/Mxyzptlk (body calming), Neville (reading focus), Brody (visiting)
Special mission: Edward (be good), Yanni (sleep), Caleb (listen), Pip (run away), Wats (escape), Scott (stay put), Gwendolyn (comfort others), Marc-Dominic (prevent insecurity)

Psychological abuse: Inky, Hank, Godwin, Quato, probably others
Physical abuse: Wats, Godwin, Michael, Casper, Adam, Ashar, Clark, Vince, Johann
Sexual abuse: Jack, Quato, Kent, Brody, Max, Zeb, Cole, Hank, Andre, Greg (?), Michael, Luke, Chase, probably others
Sexual contact: Jonathan, Little John, Ty (?)
Betrayal trauma: Johann, Andre, Quato, Ulric, Inky
Programmed: Sky, Abraham

Magic/mystical: Nigel/Oberon, Gwendolyn, others?
Dialect/Accent: Jack, Neville (formerly Chase, Ty)
Self-sufficient: Little John, Pip, Faolan
Sexually oriented: Quato, Daniel, Jonathan

Serious: Sphinx, Ryder, Edward, Jonathan, Chase, Johann, Aaron
Sad: Andre, Cole, Kent, Godwin, Michael, Casper, Randy, Zane (formerly Johann)
Upbeat/happy: Hansel, Estes, Johnny, Zeb, Adam (not originally)
Mischievous: Mick/Mxyzptlk, Quato, Max, Hansel, Johann (when with Hansel)

Odd sounds: Inky, Quato, Clark, Ashar, Adam (originally)
Suicidal thoughts: Quato, Randy, John, others
Unknown or unclear origin: Greg, Estes, Randy, Abraham, Raisin Annie, Ty, Nigel, Kyle, Faolan, Caleb, Yanni

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: my groupings

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Jan 20, 2017 3:11 am

Escape artists: Pip, Wats (maybe Greg)
Stay put artists: Henry, Scott, Yanni (maybe Randy)
Calmers: Mick/Mxyzptlk, Yanni, Marc-Dominic, Neville, Gwendolyn, Hansel (for Johann)
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: my groupings

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Aug 16, 2017 3:47 am

Sexually oriented: Gaul
Physical abuse: Ulrich
Social skills: Cal
Suicidal thoughts: Jonathan
Not quite human: Xavi (tornado)
Calmers: Cal

New categories:
Core: Adam, (Jack has "core-like" characteristics)
Focus fuzzers: Xavi, Sphinx; formerly Jonathan (via Sphinx)
Support Role in trauma work: John (run it), Cal (team building), Jack (babysitting, herding of littles)
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: my groupings

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Sep 15, 2017 9:25 pm

Country boys: Hoyt

Psychological abuse: Casper, Randy
Sexual abuse: Orval
Physical abuse: Bartholomew

Betrayal Trauma: Casper, Seamus
Escape artists: Yanni
Special system skill: Estes (team awareness)

New categories:
Sleep-related: Orval (late night), Casper (late night), Cole (early morning), Yanni (sleeps at will as an escape)
Time-spenders (keep us busy): Mick/Mxyzptlk, Hoyt
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Fri Nov 03, 2017 6:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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