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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.
I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.
Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.
I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.
In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.
Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
by Johnny-Jack on Thu Jul 16, 2015 1:18 am
We met a new alter today and things feel looser, freer since then. We're almost relaxed, not a word I use to describe myself. The name Mxyzptlk rose up. What?!? Oh, Mr. Mxyzptlk from Superman comics. A kid might take this name, pronounced Mix-yez-PIT-uh-lick. (Reading unpronounceable words is annoying.) Mr. Mxyzptlk, in a Wikipedia article, is an impish villain. But ours is just a traumatized kid.
In recent therapy we've sensed times when we played as a kid, filled with rising anxiety. Our host alters were oblivious but we collectively knew abuse from one of the parents was just a matter of time. EMDR sessions gave us flashbacks of this anxiety, worse than some actual abuse. Anticipating abuse to come was awful.
It seems Mxyzptlk came to contain that anxiety, to keep us focused on playing or doing a repetitive task. When anxiety rises at work, for any reason, we can ignore the adult job-related things that we must do (and he doesn't understand or care about) and focus on a mind-numbing, pointless activity.
I watch us procrastinating and I'm powerless to stop it. Even knowing about the DID and how passive influence or subtle fronting works, I didn't figure it out. But I've looked at this behavior a lot. It's self-soothing and feels trance-like. I didn't think "this must be an alter" because it still felt like me.
It's not like little Mxyzptlk could identify himself and his purpose. He was and is traumatized. Plus it doesn't work like that for us. But we feel much calmer tonight, it's unmistakable because it's so...new. He's had a burden lifted off his young shoulders. I feel great about making that happen.
This is why I spend time, money, energy on therapy, why I fight a tendency to avoid remembering what my mom, dad and others did to us. Because things feel nice this evening and we've given a young innocent guy a break, though he's a part of us.
I write this to remind myself and others how this can work, why the pain we experience by remembering the abuse done to us is more than compensated for by the freedom that lies beyond.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters. Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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by Johnny-Jack on Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:32 am
Thankfully, he decided on his own to go by Mick pretty soon after he first arrived. We still have not figured out how much time he has actually spent in front, controlling things. For a long time it seemed he was here more than anyone else. But at this point we just don't know.
Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of 78 alters. Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Johnny-Jack
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