Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Blog
Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2683
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (40)
Archives
- November 2018
programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

knowledge I absolutely don't want but so what

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:54 am

We just had a huge revelation as to why our most recently discovered and most perplexing group of alters is here. Seven alters who are connected somehow to keep us busy in our free time -- perpetually, so we don't remember, it's now clear. Not a single alter or even a pair whose roles combined make sense. Seven. But this remembered stuff justifies well why our mind had to have so many of us teamed up then to protect us. And there may be others.

We now know why they needed to arrive, and the cause is awful. Far, far worse than I thought I had figured out. I am devastated to learn what happened to us around age 12 and/or 13. I'm am sickened and disgusted. But we can snap back from almost anything for a time and quickly. It's how our system works, has almost always worked. Except now we don't bounce back by forgetting all about the trauma. Nowadays we just put a lid on it -- temporarily. We know it's there, there's no memory loss or denial ever again. We can choose to think about it tomorrow and we do. But not postpone or bury it for years. That is not an option.

I wish this weren't here. I wish I didn't have to know. I wish it didn't happened. I wish I'd had a safer childhood. And I know my wishing changes nothing.

It's not even a new category of abuse nor a new perpetrator. We were physically and emotionally abused as a kid. We were sexually abused by both parents, some relatives, and several people outside the family, the latter arranged by the father. But this new thing...it's just a horror to know about and I don't even have the whole story. As it came up today, I stopped it. And I guess I'll have to go further in the future. That's why I'm in therapy. That's what I need to do to heal, to be free of this stuff that continues, to some extent, cripple us. But emotionally, I absolutely, positively don't want to deal with it.

At least none of this stuff was ever anything we did to others. That we could not endure. Our gatekeeper confirmed tonight that this new knowledge is the worst, as in the worst thing that ever happened. It was good to know it ends here. Since he's never confirmed anything like that before and he's never outright lied, I believe him.

I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there. Instead, I'll go to sleep tonight and tackle it later, when I'm readier than right now.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, twins Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
1 Comment Viewed 10510 times
Comments

Re: knowledge I absolutely don't want but so what

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:13 pm

This blog post builds on my prior entry "post about possible alters."
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, twins Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2683
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (40)

Who is online

Registered users: 0amgine, Baidu [Spider], Bing [Bot], Dnester, GKOKD, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, igorcrtz, Joshocd93, lrnmccllln, Majestic-12 [Bot], yeonjun, z84200, Zor