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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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knowledge I absolutely don't want but so what

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:54 am

We just had a huge revelation as to why our most recently discovered and most perplexing group of alters is here. Seven alters who are connected somehow to keep us busy in our free time -- perpetually, so we don't remember, it's now clear. Not a single alter or even a pair whose roles combined make sense. Seven. But this remembered stuff justifies well why our mind had to have so many of us teamed up then to protect us. And there may be others.

We now know why they needed to arrive, and the cause is awful. Far, far worse than I thought I had figured out. I am devastated to learn what happened to us around age 12 and/or 13. I'm am sickened and disgusted. But we can snap back from almost anything for a time and quickly. It's how our system works, has almost always worked. Except now we don't bounce back by forgetting all about the trauma. Nowadays we just put a lid on it -- temporarily. We know it's there, there's no memory loss or denial ever again. We can choose to think about it tomorrow and we do. But not postpone or bury it for years. That is not an option.

I wish this weren't here. I wish I didn't have to know. I wish it didn't happened. I wish I'd had a safer childhood. And I know my wishing changes nothing.

It's not even a new category of abuse nor a new perpetrator. We were physically and emotionally abused as a kid. We were sexually abused by both parents, some relatives, and several people outside the family, the latter arranged by the father. But this new thing...it's just a horror to know about and I don't even have the whole story. As it came up today, I stopped it. And I guess I'll have to go further in the future. That's why I'm in therapy. That's what I need to do to heal, to be free of this stuff that continues, to some extent, cripple us. But emotionally, I absolutely, positively don't want to deal with it.

At least none of this stuff was ever anything we did to others. That we could not endure. Our gatekeeper confirmed tonight that this new knowledge is the worst, as in the worst thing that ever happened. It was good to know it ends here. Since he's never confirmed anything like that before and he's never outright lied, I believe him.

I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there. Instead, I'll go to sleep tonight and tackle it later, when I'm readier than right now.

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
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Re: knowledge I absolutely don't want but so what

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:13 pm

This blog post builds on my prior entry "post about possible alters."
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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