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Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:54 am ]
Blog Subject:  knowledge I absolutely don't want but so what

We just had a huge revelation as to why our most recently discovered and most perplexing group of alters is here. Seven alters who are connected somehow to keep us busy in our free time -- perpetually, so we don't remember, it's now clear. Not a single alter or even a pair whose roles combined make sense. Seven. But this remembered stuff justifies well why our mind had to have so many of us teamed up then to protect us. And there may be others.

We now know why they needed to arrive, and the cause is awful. Far, far worse than I thought I had figured out. I am devastated to learn what happened to us around age 12 and/or 13. I'm am sickened and disgusted. But we can snap back from almost anything for a time and quickly. It's how our system works, has almost always worked. Except now we don't bounce back by forgetting all about the trauma. Nowadays we just put a lid on it -- temporarily. We know it's there, there's no memory loss or denial ever again. We can choose to think about it tomorrow and we do. But not postpone or bury it for years. That is not an option.

I wish this weren't here. I wish I didn't have to know. I wish it didn't happened. I wish I'd had a safer childhood. And I know my wishing changes nothing.

It's not even a new category of abuse nor a new perpetrator. We were physically and emotionally abused as a kid. We were sexually abused by both parents, some relatives, and several people outside the family, the latter arranged by the father. But this new thing...it's just a horror to know about and I don't even have the whole story. As it came up today, I stopped it. And I guess I'll have to go further in the future. That's why I'm in therapy. That's what I need to do to heal, to be free of this stuff that continues, to some extent, cripple us. But emotionally, I absolutely, positively don't want to deal with it.

At least none of this stuff was ever anything we did to others. That we could not endure. Our gatekeeper confirmed tonight that this new knowledge is the worst, as in the worst thing that ever happened. It was good to know it ends here. Since he's never confirmed anything like that before and he's never outright lied, I believe him.

I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there. Instead, I'll go to sleep tonight and tackle it later, when I'm readier than right now.



Comments

Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:13 pm ]

This blog post builds on my prior entry "post about possible alters."

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