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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Johnny-Jack
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Kellen, 28 & Killian, age 29. Alters #77, 78. The Bracers

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Feb 08, 2020 9:39 pm

Two newly discovered alters, Kellen and Killian. They're a pair of unemotional alters responsible for directing or ushering the alters we've referred to as cards into fronting perhaps the majority of our waking hours for decades. They do this in order to keep us busy rather than remember the SA from age 13 or to keep us from becoming too affected by stress or anxiety coming from almost anyone.

These two are like coaches or, better, play callers to the team of alters which numbers perhaps 11, same as an American football team. The quarterback Pehr holds the primary trauma, the fullback Gordon blocks anything coming to or from him, and two other backs Hoyt and (we think) Mick are more social or something and interact with others in this system to some extent. All of them plus these two arrived at the body age of 13, but it seems only these two aged. Some big stuff happened to us at age 28 so it's not surprising they apparently stopped aging at that point as their tactics may have shifted.

The remaining 7 of the team form a line of scrimmage. We've referred to them as cards, since Hoyt, who first described them to us, said they riffle to the front like a pack of playing cards to protect everyone but mostly the quarterback from any perceived danger. But these seven haven't seemed aware what's going on in the backfield or that they're protecting anything or anyone, they just hold the line and keep us busy and calm. We were becoming interested in football at age 13 so the creation of an internal football team for protection resonates.

Killian is 29, the senior of this "directing" pair and goes by Morg for some reason. It isn't lost on me that the words kill and morgue show up in his names. The junior Kellen is 28 and goes by Org. Morg and Org sound like space alien names to us and they see themselves like that. They're unemotional and reportedly haven't considered themselves to be part of our body.

I was surprised several weeks back when we were going over our notes on our system. I edited a list of "heavy influencer" alters and were about to move on when we heard "the bracers" so I wrote it down. Then I asked "what?" and getting no answer wrote that down too, as a clue that I didn't know where that came from or what it meant but I was recording it anyway.

For weeks, we've had the words "the bracers" as the only clue that there might be more of us somewhere. In therapy, Cal said there were two more and their role was something like "brace yourself." So suddenly the "bracers" kind of made sense. It doesn't feel that these two communicated the word or anything else that day I wrote it down, but if not, then how did we get it?

I, John, have done the vast majority of work in therapy for years, even if mixed with others at times and littles fronting briefly when triggered. But for the football team, or cards, and especially these two new alters, Cal, who reportedly was our host in high school, is much better at accessing info about these guys and this whole subsystem. So Cal has been doing our therapy recently. He was active at that time of our life and/or he's part of or can access this other subsystem or something, whereas John just feels far away from it all and doesn't have any real connection without Cal.

Cal is doing more consistent EMDR lately for us to get to this information. The whole experience is really bizarre, but then discovering DID and parts of myself I never had an inkling were there is bizarre. We didn't yet know the mechanism or reasoning for why the cards or the 7-member line of the football team were fronting or how they decided to front. Actually we had information that who fronted depended on the energy of the push to front. But who or what was pushing, if not the cards themselves? Now we know it's been the two bracers.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Tue Feb 18, 2020 2:43 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Kellen, 28 & Killian, age 29. Alters #77, 78. The Bracers

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sun Feb 09, 2020 6:00 am

Okay, we've been reaching out to these guys today. They are in fact aliens and not human, though very humanoid. I guess this was our mind's way of allowing them to remain rather detached from our life, while still somewhat orchestrating it. They have two names each, one human, because they have two aspects or views: one is reality (what actually happens in our actual life) and the other is...well, something that's not reality, I guess.

We've entreated them to step back and not keep sending out the seven "card" alters in response to perceived stress or anxiety coming from other alters inside. The process has been disorienting for everyone.
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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Kellen, 28 & Killian, age 29. Alters #77, 78. The Bracers

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Mon Feb 10, 2020 7:30 pm

So the Cards pop up when there's internal stress from other alters, and from your point of view, comes 'out of nowhere'? And for no reason, from your perspective? Am I understanding that right?
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Re: Kellen, 28 & Killian, age 29. Alters #77, 78. The Bracers

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Feb 11, 2020 4:04 am

Yeah, that's about it. The stress and what caused it is mostly off my radar screen. I feel stress myself, of course, about the job, my son, present-life adult stuff, but stress or upset is happening for other parts of me that I'm not aware of.

Occasionally I might have a sense of why something's stressful -- say, an outside person acts a certain negative way and I feel a sudden strong response to it that doesn't feel entirely like mine -- but these two newly known guys seem to jump in when picking up on such internal stress and push the cards out when possible.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Kellen, 28 & Killian, age 29. Alters #77, 78. The Bracers

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Tue Feb 11, 2020 3:13 pm

These two confirm the sense we've had for a year or more that there are other "gatekeepers", kind of like Sphinx is or used to be. An alter whose job it is to determine who fronts and when.

Apparently Sphinx used to do that, at least among the handful of alters he knew existed (which was may just 10-15% of us) when we were very young. He gave that up once he started recognizing that certain non-hosts, specifically Jack, were deciding on their own when to front and these alters had a better sense of what was needed in the world than Sphinx did.

Technically these guys are gatekeepers, even more so than Sphinx, who has had various other roles, like coaching and calming young alters. These guys are non-emotional like most gatekeepers must be. However, they're a whole different thing that Sphinx. Sphinx broke off from the mind within the first year in order to save the life and specialists writings about this type of alter, a gatekeeper or internal self helper, often describe them as arriving extremely early. These two "aliens" arrived at age 13.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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