We've worked together for decades with little conflict. We're not sure whether the cooperation developed over time or if we had it in childhood. It never dawned on us to view ourselves as distinct alters. Even after we determined that we did develop dissociative identify disorder (DID) due to parental abuse in early childhood, we weren't able to make the distinction that there are two of us normally in control of the life and the body and we're not the same alter -- Johnny (me) and John, the one who probably usually posts here. Only after distinguishing some differences in behavior, thinking and skills/strengths were we able to conclude: we are not the same host alter, there are at least two of us. (In fact there are more host-like alters, perhaps more than we recognize even now but that's a story for a future blog entry).

We still are not sure exactly where one of us starts and the other ends. Or put differently, we don't fully recognize the seams that both join and separate us. With most alters in our system, as with many DID systems, switching from one to another is noticeable. With us, there's no discernible switch.

Even though our system is stable and we're moving towards greater health, functionality and internal communication, knowing what's going on at any moment is incredibly frustrating. For this reason, we generally try to avoid figuring out certain things, like who's in control of the body at any moment. We're all the same person, we're alters but we're all in the same mind and body. It's just with DID, we don't experience ourselves that way. I don't think this blog entry adds much to our self-awareness. But I felt like posting something that I know is from me. - Johnny

He is definitely a sexual alter who we sense replaced Quato at age 19. This discovery suddenly explains why a lot of our conclusions about Quato and the sexuality weren't logical and left too many gaps and inconsistencies. Gaul has felt far more like a mood of the host or hosts in a trance. He also didn't think of himself as a distinct alter per se. So it has taken us a long, long time to figure out he is another alter.

We finally determined this when he had been looking at porn a long time and John felt really bored. This wasn't new but our really focusing on this thought was. Thinking about the inconsistencies clued us in that one alter can't be in a trance about something while the same alter is simultaneously alert but bored. There had to be at least two of us.

We had thought most sexual damage had been centered in Quato. Yet Quato had been under quarantine for a long time for suicidal impulses. So he was definitely not around yet some of the sexually damaged patterns were still there. Also, when Quato first became known to us, he was, well, kind of insane. He sounded nuts and spoke gibberish. We chocked that up to him being a trickster and playing with us. That may be correct. But what didn't make sense was why Quato, if he came at age 4, stopped aging for good at 19. It seemed like he had still been around so if he continued to handle so much of the sexuality, why wasn't he aging?

As often happens with about-to-be-known alters, in the days leading up to the discovery we heard internally sounds similar to his name. First we heard kalki, which didn't sound like a name, and later Gahlguh or Golg. I didn't have any understanding of what either of these might refer to, so I looked them up, it was awful to read. But it was consistent with the dark, bitter, depressed aura surrounding Quato and especially Gaul. All due to the manipulation and sexual abuse from the father and the damage to us because of it.

This new alter settled on Gaul because I was willing to accept it. It carried a nice historical connotation for me. For Gaul, his name was a homonym for gall, which means either bitterness of spirit or a tumorlike growth on plants. Being from a small town, with many ties to farms, we were very familiar with plant galls as a child. Very ugly, wartlike things. Both meanings were sadly appropriate for these two alters. Quato's name was derived from a character in a sci fi film who was a sort of a tumorlike growth on an otherwise normal-looking human.

What amazes me is how the knowledge of all these meanings seem to be in his awareness but not in mine. This has happened not just for Gaul but for other alter names. I've had to research several names to figure out what they might signify.

This could all be wrong. When we learn something significant it sometimes feel very iffy, very unsolid, tentative. So today. I noticed at work we started going into he avoiding thing we do, mostly at home. I decided to tackle a big project I'm a part of. I'm way behind the dozens of others, mostly managers, in learning a new system. In fact, we teach ourselves to some extent and I haven't even started. I had some free time and I was going to therapy in a little over an hour. What better time to start and know that whatever comes up I can deal with it in therapy.

What came up was we immediately began avoiding it. I saw us doing others things, easier non-work busy things. It felt like I was doing it, as it always has. Yet I was nervous and felt guilty about the procrastination. I was worried and I wanted to stop it. Not weakly as usual, I [i]really[/i] wanted it to stop now. This went back and forth for a while, me watching, taking back over to start, then being pulled back from control, it seemed. But the body was acting exactly like I act, using the same adult motions. Or was I just so used to them that I could no longer make a distinction.

There was a lot of worry, anxiety, and I knew this wasn't me, I had virtually no reason to feel this level of anxiety, impending doom really. The anxiety wasn't mine and if I was a puppet put into control of the body but not from my volition, I wasn't going to go along.

Mick felt nearby. he's the time-waster and I wanted to see if he were controlling me from behind or controlling the body himself. I wasn't and am still not sure but I somehow stepped away, as I have once or twice before and he was in the body alone. No adult, clearly, a young teenager. We never blame Mick. If he's forced some way to control me or to take over for me, there's someone or some thing forcing him.

In therapy we learned Abraham was connected, but not in what way. Perhaps this was all about programming so Abe is involved.

I vacated and left Mick alone in the body. He wass immediatley the 13 year old, very obvious. And he had absolutely no idea what to do. Even though he can do some simple things at work, he can't do anything alone and he doesn't understand anything about the job other than what he's picked up through bored observation. I felt bad for this kid suddenly pushed in front alone. But I was glad it was so clear.

In trying to unwravel this in T today, we may have discovered what everyone kept calling an entity. It wasn't quite an alter. The only not-quite-an-alter we have is Sphinx and even he's an alter in the end. mick was calling him "that guy over there" so that suggested another alter or the entity.

We've always been drawn to tornados and hurricanes. Whirlpools and whirlwinds, swirling clouds of smoke, anything like this. We had dreams of tornados throughout childhood and into adulthood. We lived in a tornado path so they were very real to our town.

We've also had the experience for years of having a hand reach down into our thought when we seem to be figuring something out and having our brain tuened to mush. The hand whips around a cloud and our thought cannot stay on the figuring out, the thinking. It just swirls after, into the smoke. We're left with immense frustration, confusion about what even happened, and calm. We used to barely recall anything that came before. As many of these happened over years, we started remembering snippets. Like we were trying to remember something and our mind wouldn't let us.

Anyway we think the entity is a new guy, an alter, we named X, but shortly lenthened it so he's pronounceable: Xavi. He may be an alter. If he is he's a welcome part of us all, our system, our family.

Here is a list of groupings of our alters based on characteristics or similarities. Many grouping indicate a phenomenon or issue that was significant in our childhood. For instance, the dichotomy between high class and low class mirrors a preoccupation in the mother and grandmother.

Hosts: Johnny, John, Ryder (near host)
Former hosts: Adam, Carter, Max (?), Jonathan, Jack (near host)
Heavy influencers: Gwendolyn, Marc-Dominic, Mick/Mxyzptlk (?)
Females: Raisin Annie, Gwendolyn

Lost boys: Henry, Scott, Casper
Not quite human: Sphinx (android), Ulric (bogeyman), Ashar (wolfdog), Casper (ghost)
Dead: Ulric ("by choice"), Casper, Daniel (revived)

Morals/ethics (primary): Edward, Jack
Empathy: Carter, Gwendolyn, John
Attachment: Carter, Gwendolyn, John (mother), Jonathan (father), Luke (parents), Chase (grandmother)
Detaching (wolf-related): Ashar, Sky, Randy, Ulric, Faolan

High class/rich: Chase, Marc-Dominic, Jonathan
Low class: Jack, Daniel, Quato
English lads: Neville, Nigel, Ty, Chase
Country boys: Jack, Caleb, Hank, Luke
Tough guys: Daniel, Jack, Brody, Aaron, Quato
Holds anger: Kyle, Matt, Ulric, Daniel, others
Physically oriented: Daniel, Luke, Brody

Twins or associated: Hansel & Johann (+ Quato), John & Gwendolyn, Ulric & Wats, Sky & Vince
In another dimension: Zane, Abraham, Gwendolyn, Raisin Annie (formerly)

Social skills: Johnny, Jack, Luke, Daniel
Special system skill: Sphinx (identify alters), Max (see alters), John (send alters to front)
Special skill: Quato (lying), Ryder (focused work), Mick/Mxyzptlk (body calming), Neville (reading focus), Brody (visiting)
Special mission: Edward (be good), Yanni (sleep), Caleb (listen), Pip (run away), Wats (escape), Scott (stay put), Gwendolyn (comfort others), Marc-Dominic (prevent insecurity)

Psychological abuse: Inky, Hank, Godwin, Quato, probably others
Physical abuse: Wats, Godwin, Michael, Casper, Adam, Ashar, Clark, Vince, Johann
Sexual abuse: Jack, Quato, Kent, Brody, Max, Zeb, Cole, Hank, Andre, Greg (?), Michael, Luke, Chase, probably others
Sexual contact: Jonathan, Little John, Ty (?)
Betrayal trauma: Johann, Andre, Quato, Ulric, Inky
Programmed: Sky, Abraham

Magic/mystical: Nigel/Oberon, Gwendolyn, others?
Dialect/Accent: Jack, Neville (formerly Chase, Ty)
Self-sufficient: Little John, Pip, Faolan
Sexually oriented: Quato, Daniel, Jonathan

Serious: Sphinx, Ryder, Edward, Jonathan, Chase, Johann, Aaron
Sad: Andre, Cole, Kent, Godwin, Michael, Casper, Randy, Zane (formerly Johann)
Upbeat/happy: Hansel, Estes, Johnny, Zeb, Adam (not originally)
Mischievous: Mick/Mxyzptlk, Quato, Max, Hansel, Johann (when with Hansel)

Odd sounds: Inky, Quato, Clark, Ashar, Adam (originally)
Suicidal thoughts: Quato, Randy, John, others
Unknown or unclear origin: Greg, Estes, Randy, Abraham, Raisin Annie, Ty, Nigel, Kyle, Faolan, Caleb, Yanni

Because of childhood abuse from infancy at the hands of both parents and others, I was unable to develop a single cohesive identity. Instead, my young mind coped by developing multiple ego states or identities, leading to a condition known as dissociative identity disorder.

Here are our alters and shortened descriptions we’ve recorded to keep track of them and of changes in our system. Numbers following the # are the order in which we became aware of each of us, out of a total of 54 as of 12/30/2016.

*** INFANTS AND TODDLERS (age 0-2) ***

Adam 8 months, #5. The core or original; drowned, choked, smothered by mother; much healed due to time in body, usually at bedtime; loves wolfie plush toy

Zeb 1, #22. Sweet, giggly; has positive response to nice physical touching; came due to weird SA by father

Clark 1, #36. Strong fear of knives and hands being held down or trapped; when triggered, makes continuous clicking sound and holds hands up to face

Edward 1½, #17. Little knight holding mission to be good, not bad like the bad people (parents); our moral compass; not frightened of dark or drawn to stuffed animals like other littles but more like other littles over time; loves brightly colored things

Henry 2, #23. Boy used to being lost in public, deserted by careless mother; loves dogs; doesn’t panic when lost

Ashár 2, #8. Wolfdog enduring ritualized torture for being male from DID mother's animal alter; feral, can't speak, made weird creeking sounds; originally only crawled; once highly triggered by anything rope-like being draped over body; ended abuse by biting mother’s hand; loves blue spongy car toy to orient to having hands

*** LITTLES (ages 3-7) ***

Little John 3, #2. Stayed quiet and out of everyone’s way; unnoticed = safe; adamant about not wanting or needing anything; more assertive nowadays; due to being awake for decades, he grasps some things beyond his age; gives us the ability to go without and be okay with that; loves puzzles

Max 3½, #16. Spunky, though originally frozen and terrified; much time out so quite healed; ability to see what alters look like inside; loves toys for little boys his age

Pip 3⅞, #33. Untraumatized; imagined/planned running away from home; looks for escape routes

Scott 4, #54. Kept us in one place when separated from mother, who often switched and wandered away in public; likes butterscotch; may keep us stationary, unchanging, when trouble arises, which has advantages and disadvantages

Casper 4, #32. Ghost of a dead boy; took mother’s physical abuse in his bed after rest of family asleep; tends to keep us awake if anyone in home felt to be unsafe

Raisin Annie 4, #37. Originally we felt there were no females in our system, but if there were, she would be stuck in another dimension, a parallel world; name corrupts “raising Annie,” as in rescuing her; knew her name years ago but thought she was a family myth, not part of our system; likes princesses and such

Wats (Watson) 4, #48. Sweet kid locked in a box in basement by mother; came same time as Ulric; self-assigned mission is figuring out how to escacpe

Hansel 4, #10. Bubbly, supportive twin who helps Johann feel better, adventuresome, fun-loving, quite mischievous

Johann 4, #11. Somber twin, adventuresome but more responsible and serious than Hansel.

Both twins have spent so much time in body, they’ve healed, which helps other littles near their age; arose from same abuse as Quato

Inky 5, #21. Originally terrified of any moving vehicle since mother tried to lure, push him into traffic; a bit immature for his age; stumbles in his speech sometimes; visits frequently

Kent 5, #29. Traumatized by father’s SA in law office; generally sad; highly triggered by legal, official or financial matters or lists

Michael 5½, #30. Originally mute; gentle; SA from mother in ‘the darkness’ of the closet

Caleb 5½, #43. Quiet boy who listens carefully for approach of bad people, causes us to speak quietly; can be hyper-alert for potential danger

Estes ...

[ Continued ]