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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
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If they knew

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Sat Sep 27, 2014 4:12 am

If my colleagues knew that I have dissociative identity disorder, that I am multiple, what would they think? I've actually told a couple who had serious depression or anxiety issues and they kind of get it but don't want to talk about it. They won't pick up on any little jokes I tell to let them know I'm not super sensitive about it. They still all want me to be just me. I doubt I would be okay if someone else came out, that would be really hard, a huge step. Not around work colleagues. It's inappropriate anyway probably. But it would be nice if others knew and would say, hey, I did some reading, or, my cousin's spouse has that, if anyone else wants to hang out with me, I'd be fine, I'd feel honored. Even if they only half meant it.

If other people knew, how many would think or even verbalize that they know it's a made-up disorder because they read that somewhere? How many would suddenly cease to respect me or would be uncomfortable or even scared to be around me? How many would talk to me once, then just avoid ever letting it come into the conversation again? How many would be kind and ask me about it, with real concern and interest? Could any sustain that? Which ones would surprise me by feeling really awkward around me from then on? Who would offer "helpful" advice like, friend, you just need to put it all behind you and move on? Would I have the courage to say, wait, put all what behind which one of us?

It's exhausting not to be genuine, not to share your true self (selves) with others. It's demoralizing and depressing.

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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