Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3210
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)
Archives
- March 2020
how we avoided an internal war
   Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:44 am

+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ September 2019
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

I never went to high school but graduated anyway

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:06 am

I'm pretty sure now that our alter Cal is 17. I knew he went to high school for me/us but we graduated while age 17 so, seeing he was listed as age 15 (the first correction we made after guessing he was around 30), we figured he must have been there only in early high school. But our memories for early high school and late high school are equally fuzzy so it makes sense that he went to all of high school for us and he's 17.

Maybe six years ago we revisited our high school with a childhood friend I'll call Liz. Being summer, there were no classes or students. Liz never left our small Midwestern town, she got a job in the high school after graduation and just kept working there. She eventually married one of our former teachers!

Liz had just left a decades-long job as the principle's assistant but still had the school keys. My son took a video as we walked the halls together with another mutual friend I'll call Belle. Both remembered all sorts of things I had no memory of. I'm afraid to review that tape because it was upsetting then to be somewhere that felt barely familiar yet I knew I spent years there. It wasn't just the intervening years because Belle left our hometown when I did and she remembered most things Liz did.

Liz and Belle remembered at least a dozen stories that I was blank on. They all seemed plausible and they described me in a way I could mostly recognize but these things just weren't in my memory. I knew at that time I was multiple but I didn't know we had a Calvin. Maybe I wasn't ready to know I didn't go to high school. Maybe it would have reduced my disorientation if I had known.

One of the biggest oddities was her remembering how many days I missed from high school. I was oblivious so she proved it by showing me an old card that had recorded 16 days missed from both junior and senior year. Yet I still had excellent grades. It didn't make sense. I now want to ask Calvin and the others why all the "sick" days. I don't think we were sick. But I'm afraid that some of them know the reason and it might destabilize me. It may not matter, I'm guessing why now and I don't think it's my imagination, I think it's memory leakage.

It's really disturbing. Fortunately (or not), DID has provided me with auto-block, which allows me not to focus on something that's right in front of me. It's crippled me to some extent but it's something I still rely on from time to time. I wish I didn't have to work and could just do therapy. But I have to hold myself together enough to keep working, ugh.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
0 Comments Viewed 2699 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], CammieMe, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, IainEtc, PulmenJal, PulmenSCamp