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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
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- March 2020
how we avoided an internal war
   Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:44 am

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I never went to high school but graduated anyway

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:06 am

I'm pretty sure now that our alter Cal is 17. I knew he went to high school for me/us but we graduated while age 17 so, seeing he was listed as age 15 (the first correction we made after guessing he was around 30), we figured he must have been there only in early high school. But our memories for early high school and late high school are equally fuzzy so it makes sense that he went to all of high school for us and he's 17.

Maybe six years ago we revisited our high school with a childhood friend I'll call Liz. Being summer, there were no classes or students. Liz never left our small Midwestern town, she got a job in the high school after graduation and just kept working there. She eventually married one of our former teachers!

Liz had just left a decades-long job as the principle's assistant but still had the school keys. My son took a video as we walked the halls together with another mutual friend I'll call Belle. Both remembered all sorts of things I had no memory of. I'm afraid to review that tape because it was upsetting then to be somewhere that felt barely familiar yet I knew I spent years there. It wasn't just the intervening years because Belle left our hometown when I did and she remembered most things Liz did.

Liz and Belle remembered at least a dozen stories that I was blank on. They all seemed plausible and they described me in a way I could mostly recognize but these things just weren't in my memory. I knew at that time I was multiple but I didn't know we had a Calvin. Maybe I wasn't ready to know I didn't go to high school. Maybe it would have reduced my disorientation if I had known.

One of the biggest oddities was her remembering how many days I missed from high school. I was oblivious so she proved it by showing me an old card that had recorded 16 days missed from both junior and senior year. Yet I still had excellent grades. It didn't make sense. I now want to ask Calvin and the others why all the "sick" days. I don't think we were sick. But I'm afraid that some of them know the reason and it might destabilize me. It may not matter, I'm guessing why now and I don't think it's my imagination, I think it's memory leakage.

It's really disturbing. Fortunately (or not), DID has provided me with auto-block, which allows me not to focus on something that's right in front of me. It's crippled me to some extent but it's something I still rely on from time to time. I wish I didn't have to work and could just do therapy. But I have to hold myself together enough to keep working, ugh.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:11 am, edited 2 times in total.

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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