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Author:  Johnny-Jack [ Mon Jan 13, 2020 7:06 am ]
Blog Subject:  I never went to high school but graduated anyway

I'm pretty sure now that our alter Cal is 17. I knew he went to high school for me/us but we graduated while age 17 so, seeing he was listed as age 15 (the first correction we made after guessing he was around 30), we figured he must have been there only in early high school. But our memories for early high school and late high school are equally fuzzy so it makes sense that he went to all of high school for us and he's 17.

Maybe six years ago we revisited our high school with a childhood friend I'll call Liz. Being summer, there were no classes or students. Liz never left our small Midwestern town, she got a job in the high school after graduation and just kept working there. She eventually married one of our former teachers!

Liz had just left a decades-long job as the principle's assistant but still had the school keys. My son took a video as we walked the halls together with another mutual friend I'll call Belle. Both remembered all sorts of things I had no memory of. I'm afraid to review that tape because it was upsetting then to be somewhere that felt barely familiar yet I knew I spent years there. It wasn't just the intervening years because Belle left our hometown when I did and she remembered most things Liz did.

Liz and Belle remembered at least a dozen stories that I was blank on. They all seemed plausible and they described me in a way I could mostly recognize but these things just weren't in my memory. I knew at that time I was multiple but I didn't know we had a Calvin. Maybe I wasn't ready to know I didn't go to high school. Maybe it would have reduced my disorientation if I had known.

One of the biggest oddities was her remembering how many days I missed from high school. I was oblivious so she proved it by showing me an old card that had recorded 16 days missed from both junior and senior year. Yet I still had excellent grades. It didn't make sense. I now want to ask Calvin and the others why all the "sick" days. I don't think we were sick. But I'm afraid that some of them know the reason and it might destabilize me. It may not matter, I'm guessing why now and I don't think it's my imagination, I think it's memory leakage.

It's really disturbing. Fortunately (or not), DID has provided me with auto-block, which allows me not to focus on something that's right in front of me. It's crippled me to some extent but it's something I still rely on from time to time. I wish I didn't have to work and could just do therapy. But I have to hold myself together enough to keep working, ugh.

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