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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Johnny-Jack
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host voluntarily going inside for 2 wks?

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Aug 19, 2013 7:19 pm

I'm going to try something new and radical very shortly. I've considered the problems my life has had with me, the host of a DID system, always in control of everything, where we live, the job, finances, etc. I've built a successful career but a very unfulfilling life. Me being in charge was inevitable for the first several decades of life because I had no idea I was multiple, I thought I was probably just me. And due to changes in my home life in later childhood, the need for alters taking over abated and we got into the habit of us just being me mostly. The majority of alters went into hibernation, asleep, and others influenced me from within and took over only for rare emergencies, of which I was unaware.

I'm taking a vacation soon to Kentucky, the "home" of my 11-year-old alter Jack, who learned to speak his Appalachian dialect and constructed his own mythical past from a friend's grandfather who happened to live in my small Midwestern hometown. Our most capable alter besides me, Jonathan, an adult, has agreed to take over as host for the two weeks of vacation to handle certain logistics, like checking in to a motel. Jack will be out much of the time, along with other young alters. I'm looking forward to a REAL vacation for myself, one away from a confusing life with all my rules and strictures that bind everyone like a straightjacket. Jack could handle most of the transactions but there's no need for him to stress about every minute the body is awake.

When it was just us the past two years, that is, when we didn't have much support, the alters were out spending their own time in the body but not more than an hour or two. Once NicS, another member of this forum, came to work for and live with us, both of our many alters began spending much more time in the body. Kids hanging out or playing together, going to restaurants or the zoo, watching movies together, taking long daily walks as the sun comes up. Everyone is much more used to spending hours in the body in the safe environment of our home. The question is, will we be ready for days and weeks in the body, without me? I guess we're about to find out.

I can still guide things from inside but therein lies the risk. I want to set things up so that everything's covered and they don't really need me to be around. Perhaps then I can just get in the habit of going back and not paying attention. Wrestling the body from my control, which has been so strong for decades, is something I feel we need to do to get healthy. They need to gain strength and I need to loosen control. I know they'll do a great job.

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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