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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
   Sun Nov 04, 2018 12:38 am

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host voluntarily going inside for 2 wks?

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Aug 19, 2013 7:19 pm

I'm going to try something new and radical very shortly. I've considered the problems my life has had with me, the host of a DID system, always in control of everything, where we live, the job, finances, etc. I've built a successful career but a very unfulfilling life. Me being in charge was inevitable for the first several decades of life because I had no idea I was multiple, I thought I was probably just me. And due to changes in my home life in later childhood, the need for alters taking over abated and we got into the habit of us just being me mostly. The majority of alters went into hibernation, asleep, and others influenced me from within and took over only for rare emergencies, of which I was unaware.

I'm taking a vacation soon to Kentucky, the "home" of my 11-year-old alter Jack, who learned to speak his Appalachian dialect and constructed his own mythical past from a friend's grandfather who happened to live in my small Midwestern hometown. Our most capable alter besides me, Jonathan, an adult, has agreed to take over as host for the two weeks of vacation to handle certain logistics, like checking in to a motel. Jack will be out much of the time, along with other young alters. I'm looking forward to a REAL vacation for myself, one away from a confusing life with all my rules and strictures that bind everyone like a straightjacket. Jack could handle most of the transactions but there's no need for him to stress about every minute the body is awake.

When it was just us the past two years, that is, when we didn't have much support, the alters were out spending their own time in the body but not more than an hour or two. Once NicS, another member of this forum, came to work for and live with us, both of our many alters began spending much more time in the body. Kids hanging out or playing together, going to restaurants or the zoo, watching movies together, taking long daily walks as the sun comes up. Everyone is much more used to spending hours in the body in the safe environment of our home. The question is, will we be ready for days and weeks in the body, without me? I guess we're about to find out.

I can still guide things from inside but therein lies the risk. I want to set things up so that everything's covered and they don't really need me to be around. Perhaps then I can just get in the habit of going back and not paying attention. Wrestling the body from my control, which has been so strong for decades, is something I feel we need to do to get healthy. They need to gain strength and I need to loosen control. I know they'll do a great job.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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