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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
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Hank, age 8. Alter #40

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Wed Oct 24, 2018 4:16 am

I was casually grocery shopping after work tonight and felt an openness, then a youthfulness of the body and a cluelessness, a sense of being a bit lost and nervous. It was clear that a young alter was nearby but who it was wasn't immediately familiar to me. As I looked, he felt downright unfamiliar. I thought at first there was someone new. We asked the name and heard a bit garbled "Hank." Well, we do have a Hank but I'm not sure at the moment we ever met him other than perhaps very briefly. We've known about him for him for over three years.

Well I just read our full record of early encounters with him, which we've shortened and sanitized for quick reference, and it's disturbing. He has visited and we know that he was the victim of a specific type of manipulated sexual abuse. When we met him three years ago he was confused and pretty traumatized. But tonight he was more or less just a kid. Kind of like the other kids his age here but different. A nice kid, unsure, nervous, but not too scared. I liked him. He stuck around in the body a long time tonight, wanting to check things out, be here, spend time as himself, do stuff we do, like put the food away and eat some food for dinner. What he bought was something we don't usually buy but what may have been more familiar to us at his age.

He knows what's going on mostly. All our alters are able to watch a bit or maybe it's that communication among us has increased naturally and he can find knowledge and know-how pretty quickly. He's familiar with the house and our room, though he made a lot of comments about how messy it is, which is true. He didn't like it and picked things up.

I'm really glad to know more about him, though rereading what I wrote about our first awareness of him three years ago, the details of which had since been largely forgotten, it's disturbing once more how sick the father and mother were. Hank is here due to the father. That man alone caused us literally hundreds of traumas, his perversions were never-ending. Well he died when we were twelve so they did end, thankfully.

We like Hank. He's a good kid, strong, and no longer hidden away. He'll surely visit in therapy tomorrow and we'll work with him. Lastly, he wanted to respond to the woman in the grocery store and we didn't really get a chance to think about it. He did but his voice was a kid's voice, if spoken through an adult male's vocal chords. She looked at us oddly. So maybe the voice was off. Yeha, probably. And he wasn't acting like us when we shop there. It was him, an unsure kid. Being a kid in public used to be a bit terrifying to me. What would people think, would they know? Now it's just amusing. Who cares? Nobody is 100% sure what's happening unless maybe they know someone with DID.

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Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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Re: Hank, age 8. Alter #40

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Thu Oct 25, 2018 12:54 pm

Hank also spent a lot of time looking at and enjoying a neighbors elaborate, gaudy, and dense Halloween decorations and lights. We've looked at them before but not with the eyes or fascination of a kid.

He was in therapy yesterday too. Fronting during EMDR. I, the host, try to remain in front but I slipped away. The father's abuse was really gross, perverse, and manipulative. But we survived.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
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