Our partner

Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I looked into the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit that I had DID -- I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit -- but really hard to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, especially their own child, and not once but hundreds of time. It seems contrary to every human instinct. But it happened. And though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him, knowing it would be a challenge, as a live-in personal assistant for cooking, errands and driving. We quickly began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so a couple years later I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. The best revenge is living well.
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3227
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)
Archives
- March 2020
how we avoided an internal war
   Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:44 am

+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ September 2019
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ January 2018
+ October 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ September 2015
+ July 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ January 2015
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ April 2014
+ October 2013
+ August 2013
+ March 2013
+ December 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ November 2011
+ September 2011
+ August 2011
+ July 2011
Search Blogs

Gilgamesh and Inky Dinky Doo

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Oct 07, 2013 2:11 am

We've had a lot of blending lately where two alters are out at the same time and the thinking pattern is not compatible or something. One of us tries to speak and the wrong words come out. We try to state the words we really want but end up just repeating the same wrong word(s). Something like "orker the butter" for "open the letter." Or we'll repeat a nonsense phrase that we know isn't what we want to say but our thinking is so messy we can't figure out the words that fit the image we know we're thinking about. So far this has been interference between two alters and we're used to it.

A new alter, #21, came forward yesterday and half of what he said was jumbled nonsense syllables or phrases repeated that didn't make sense, like "water cake." The other half of what he said were normal comments though he's five and was disoriented from suddenly being out front. He didn't seem mixed with anyone but he did seem confused.

What preceded his arrival was a fifteen-minute long compulsion to make a series of sounds like experimenting with sound effects. At first I was kind of entertained. I wondered what I was doing but I've done this before, just not non-stop. I was sure I was out front but I'm thinking maybe not. A little came forward and went out for a walk. His gait was unique so I asked Sphinx, our gatekeeper alter who can read body patterns and state who is out front, and he said it seemed like Quato, then called him Quato Prime, with no explanation. Quato is 19 and this kid was little. I once felt Quato dissociate to a very young state who did and didn't seem like him but that didn't seem connected.

This little told our friend NicS that his name was Inky. Later he clarified it to Inky Dinky Doo. We so far have had only "real person names." Quato and Sphinx are just nicknames I gave two of us. After I was back in control of the body, I had to google his name. Nothing. I tried other spellings and eventually found an old-fashioned song Inka Dinka Doo, which I surely heard as a kid. Today I realized I read a paragraph to my friend the day before Inky's arrival from the epic Gilgamesh to my friend about the character Enkido, which I knew wasn't a coincidence. So little Inky was waking up and picked that name by conflating Enkido and the silly song.

When Quato arrived, he did a lot of speaking nonsense and made sound effects. It was weird and mesmerizing. I think Inky and Quato are connected somehow. I think they used sound-making that "appears" to be crazy to keep from going crazy. Quato was sexually abused and I think Inky may have diverted the mind from the betrayal we felt at so young an age by the mesmerizing barrage of sound effects. I don't know for sure but I'm glad Inky is awake and we've met him. He seems confused and he got upset soon after he arrived, but I think he'll be okay. He has lots of guys to look after him and help.

Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
1 Comment Viewed 11596 times
Comments

Re: Gilgamesh and Inky Dinky Doo

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Jun 17, 2016 2:50 am

The mother deliberately tried to lure Inky into traffic, to cross the street toward her when there was traffic. It was really sick. He was also afraid that she was going to shove him out in front of cars some of the time. She seems to have put her hands on our shoulders near traffic in a way that made him terrified of that. He made up nonsense sounds and phrases later to help him not think about it, to make the memories and fear go away or subside. We think she came up with this from a soap opera episode in which a character's child was killed by wandering into traffic, which we remember her having a very strong reaction to.
Forum rules

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn
User avatar
Johnny-Jack
Moderator: Consumer
Moderator: Consumer
 
Posts: 3227
Joined: Sun May 29, 2011 3:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (45)

Who is online

Registered users: ArchCannon, ArrowBoy, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, IainEtc, Majestic-12 [Bot], Philonoe