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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
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Gilgamesh and Inky Dinky Doo

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Mon Oct 07, 2013 2:11 am

We've had a lot of blending lately where two alters are out at the same time and the thinking pattern is not compatible or something. One of us tries to speak and the wrong words come out. We try to state the words we really want but end up just repeating the same wrong word(s). Something like "orker the butter" for "open the letter." Or we'll repeat a nonsense phrase that we know isn't what we want to say but our thinking is so messy we can't figure out the words that fit the image we know we're thinking about. So far this has been interference between two alters and we're used to it.

A new alter, #21, came forward yesterday and half of what he said was jumbled nonsense syllables or phrases repeated that didn't make sense, like "water cake." The other half of what he said were normal comments though he's five and was disoriented from suddenly being out front. He didn't seem mixed with anyone but he did seem confused.

What preceded his arrival was a fifteen-minute long compulsion to make a series of sounds like experimenting with sound effects. At first I was kind of entertained. I wondered what I was doing but I've done this before, just not non-stop. I was sure I was out front but I'm thinking maybe not. A little came forward and went out for a walk. His gait was unique so I asked Sphinx, our gatekeeper alter who can read body patterns and state who is out front, and he said it seemed like Quato, then called him Quato Prime, with no explanation. Quato is 19 and this kid was little. I once felt Quato dissociate to a very young state who did and didn't seem like him but that didn't seem connected.

This little told our friend NicS that his name was Inky. Later he clarified it to Inky Dinky Doo. We so far have had only "real person names." Quato and Sphinx are just nicknames I gave two of us. After I was back in control of the body, I had to google his name. Nothing. I tried other spellings and eventually found an old-fashioned song Inka Dinka Doo, which I surely heard as a kid. Today I realized I read a paragraph to my friend the day before Inky's arrival from the epic Gilgamesh to my friend about the character Enkido, which I knew wasn't a coincidence. So little Inky was waking up and picked that name by conflating Enkido and the silly song.

When Quato arrived, he did a lot of speaking nonsense and made sound effects. It was weird and mesmerizing. I think Inky and Quato are connected somehow. I think they used sound-making that "appears" to be crazy to keep from going crazy. Quato was sexually abused and I think Inky may have diverted the mind from the betrayal we felt at so young an age by the mesmerizing barrage of sound effects. I don't know for sure but I'm glad Inky is awake and we've met him. He seems confused and he got upset soon after he arrived, but I think he'll be okay. He has lots of guys to look after him and help.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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Re: Gilgamesh and Inky Dinky Doo

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri Jun 17, 2016 2:50 am

The mother deliberately tried to lure Inky into traffic, to cross the street toward her when there was traffic. It was really sick. He was also afraid that she was going to shove him out in front of cars some of the time. She seems to have put her hands on our shoulders near traffic in a way that made him terrified of that. He made up nonsense sounds and phrases later to help him not think about it, to make the memories and fear go away or subside. We think she came up with this from a soap opera episode in which a character's child was killed by wandering into traffic, which we remember her having a very strong reaction to.
74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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