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Hi, everybody! I finally figured out a few years ago that I was multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there have been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why, no matter how hard I tried.

I had periodic bouts of major depression and my memory was sometimes awful. But I didn't seem to experience the hallmarks or stereotypes of DID, like losing time. Although I spent a small fortune on books, seminars, and therapists and looked into the possibility of having DID many times, the clues I had just didn't point me to any certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. It's a blessing in childhood but disadvantageous later in life.

Several years ago, after trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks and alters began emerging and communicating with me, it was easy to own that I had DID but still hard to fathom how the normal parents and others that I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually. I don't think I'll ever be able to fathom how a human being could do these things to a child, a small, innocent person. But it happened. And although it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof. I'm working in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

I communicated with a DID teen on this forum and, when it looked like he would become homeless at 19, I hired him as a live-in personal assistant. Almost immediately we came to rely on and support each other the way (good) families do so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them. Now we're all helping one another learn how to attach safely to people. In a way, my son's healing is my revenge by proxy against sick parents -- his and mine.
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Johnny-Jack
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programming: how my abuser silenced me
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Gaul, age 42. Alter #56

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri May 12, 2017 2:17 am

He is definitely a sexual alter who we sense replaced Quato at age 19. This discovery suddenly explains why a lot of our conclusions about Quato and the sexuality weren't logical and left too many gaps and inconsistencies. Gaul has felt far more like a mood of the host or hosts in a trance. He also didn't think of himself as a distinct alter per se. So it has taken us a long, long time to figure out he is another alter.

We finally determined this when he had been looking at porn a long time and John felt really bored. This wasn't new but our really focusing on this thought was. Thinking about the inconsistencies clued us in that one alter can't be in a trance about something while the same alter is simultaneously alert but bored. There had to be at least two of us.

We had thought most sexual damage had been centered in Quato. Yet Quato had been under quarantine for a long time for suicidal impulses. So he was definitely not around yet some of the sexually damaged patterns were still there. Also, when Quato first became known to us, he was, well, kind of insane. He sounded nuts and spoke gibberish. We chocked that up to him being a trickster and playing with us. That may be correct. But what didn't make sense was why Quato, if he came at age 4, stopped aging for good at 19. It seemed like he had still been around so if he continued to handle so much of the sexuality, why wasn't he aging?

As often happens with about-to-be-known alters, in the days leading up to the discovery we heard internally sounds similar to his name. First we heard kalki, which didn't sound like a name, and later Gahlguh or Golg. I didn't have any understanding of what either of these might refer to, so I looked them up, it was awful to read. But it was consistent with the dark, bitter, depressed aura surrounding Quato and especially Gaul. All due to the manipulation and sexual abuse from the father and the damage to us because of it.

This new alter settled on Gaul because I was willing to accept it. It carried a nice historical connotation for me. For Gaul, his name was a homonym for gall, which means either bitterness of spirit or a tumorlike growth on plants. Being from a small town, with many ties to farms, we were very familiar with plant galls as a child. Very ugly, wartlike things. Both meanings were sadly appropriate for these two alters. Quato's name was derived from a character in a sci fi film who was a sort of a tumorlike growth on an otherwise normal-looking human.

What amazes me is how the knowledge of all these meanings seem to be in his awareness but not in mine. This has happened not just for Gaul but for other alter names. I've had to research several names to figure out what they might signify.

74 of us. Dx=DID. John, Johnny, Ryder hosts. Sphinx. Gwendolyn 50s. Marc-Dominic, Aaron, Gaul 40s. Jonathan 33. Neville 20. Quato 19. Kyle 16. Ulric, Calvin, Daniel 15. Faolán 14. Hoyt, Cam, Cully, Flynn, Tuck, Abel, Eberly, Will, Gordon, Pehr, Mick/Mxyzptlk 13. Nigel 12. Orval, Jack 11. Abraham, Zane, Ty, Randy 10. Brody 9. Sky, Yanni, Vince, Luke, Hank, Xavi 8. Cole, Matt, Chase 7. Andre, Godwin, Greg, Carter, Estes, Seamus 6. Michael, Caleb, Inky, Kent 5. Casper, Bartholomew, Raisin Annie, Scott, Hansel & Johann, Wats 4. Pip, Max, Little John 3. Erik, Carl, Sheldon, Alvin, Ashár, Henry 2. Edward, Clark, Zeb 1. Adam <1
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