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Johnny-Jack's Musings and Some Alter Stories
Hi, all! I finally figured out a few years ago that I am multiple, having suffered yet to some degree succeeded in life with dissociative identity disorder. Like many with DID, there had been areas of and moments in my life that were confusing and dysfunctional but I could never figure out why.

I had periodic depressions and my memory was often poor. But I didn't experience the hallmarks of DID like losing chunks of time. In my search for answers I spent a fortune on books, seminars, and therapists. I considered the possibility of having DID many times, but the clues I had gave me no certainty and no therapist helped me focus on the potential root cause of my problems. Blocked awareness and inaccessible memories are how DID works. A blessing in childhood, problematic later.

Several years ago, trauma memories started coming to me in images and flashbacks, and alters "woke up" and communicated with me. It was easy to admit then that I had DID. I had always felt a bit like a counterfeit. But it was impossible to fathom how the "good" parents I remembered were randomly monstrous abusers of me as a child, psychologically, physically and sexually.

I will never, ever, ever understand how a person, let alone a parent, can hurt a small, innocent, utterly defenseless child, not once but hundreds of time. It is contrary to the most basic human instinct to nurture and protect one's offspring. But it happened. Though it wasn't necessary, I sought and discovered external proof it happened. Now I work in therapy and in life to reverse the damage these warped people caused.

In 2011 I began communicating with a teen with DID and, when it looked like he would become homeless, I hired him from across the country -- knowing it would be a challenge -- as a live-in personal assistant to cook, drive and run errands. We soon began to rely on and support each other the way healthy families do, so I adopted him. Really, I adopted them, dozens of sons and daughters.

Over the years we've learned how to attach to another person, safely and in a family context. I sometimes feel rage when I think about his parents or mine. Still, both of us are prospering. Living well is the best revenge.
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how we avoided an internal war
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Gaul, age 42. Alter #56

Permanent Linkby Johnny-Jack on Fri May 12, 2017 2:17 am

He is definitely a sexual alter who we sense replaced Quato at age 19. This discovery suddenly explains why a lot of our conclusions about Quato and the sexuality weren't logical and left too many gaps and inconsistencies. Gaul has felt far more like a mood of the host or hosts in a trance. He also didn't think of himself as a distinct alter per se. So it has taken us a long, long time to figure out he is another alter.

We finally determined this when he had been looking at porn a long time and John felt really bored. This wasn't new but our really focusing on this thought was. Thinking about the inconsistencies clued us in that one alter can't be in a trance about something while the same alter is simultaneously alert but bored. There had to be at least two of us.

We had thought most sexual damage had been centered in Quato. Yet Quato had been under quarantine for a long time for suicidal impulses. So he was definitely not around yet some of the sexually damaged patterns were still there. Also, when Quato first became known to us, he was, well, kind of insane. He sounded nuts and spoke gibberish. We chocked that up to him being a trickster and playing with us. That may be correct. But what didn't make sense was why Quato, if he came at age 4, stopped aging for good at 19. It seemed like he had still been around so if he continued to handle so much of the sexuality, why wasn't he aging?

As often happens with about-to-be-known alters, in the days leading up to the discovery we heard internally sounds similar to his name. First we heard kalki, which didn't sound like a name, and later Gahlguh or Golg. I didn't have any understanding of what either of these might refer to, so I looked them up, it was awful to read. But it was consistent with the dark, bitter, depressed aura surrounding Quato and especially Gaul. All due to the manipulation and sexual abuse from the father and the damage to us because of it.

This new alter settled on Gaul because I was willing to accept it. It carried a nice historical connotation for me. For Gaul, his name was a homonym for gall, which means either bitterness of spirit or a tumorlike growth on plants. Being from a small town, with many ties to farms, we were very familiar with plant galls as a child. Very ugly, wartlike things. Both meanings were sadly appropriate for these two alters. Quato's name was derived from a character in a sci fi film who was a sort of a tumorlike growth on an otherwise normal-looking human.

What amazes me is how the knowledge of all these meanings seem to be in his awareness but not in mine. This has happened not just for Gaul but for other alter names. I've had to research several names to figure out what they might signify.

Dx = DID. My blog. My personal Periodic Table of alters.
Ab Ad Al Am An Ar As Ba Be Br Ca Cb Ch Cl Cm Cn Co Cp Ct Cu Cv D Eb Ed Er Es F Fl Ga Gd Go Gr Gw He Hk Hs Ht I J Jh Jk Jn Jy Ke Ki Kn Ky Li Lu Md Mi Mt Mx Mz Ne Ni O Pe Pi Q Ra Rd Ry Sc Se Sh Sk Sx Tk Ty U V Wa Wi X Y Ze Zn

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